herlucidlife

Going through the work day one of the store managers could tell things were hidden underneath my pleasant demeanor. Working hard, doing my best to leave outside life at the door. I can’t help but bring it in with me most times. Walking with her to the office upstairs, she let me know that the company offers seven free therapy sessions for all team members. I knew it was God telling me that it was time. I don’t speak to the store manager about any personal matters. Our exchange is usually hi and bye, anything else is about work or surface level work things. Yet for her to sense something underneath, I knew I was fooling no one but myself. 

After our meeting I went through the process of getting in contact with a therapist. It’s not happening all at once, yet it feels good to know I’m getting to a deeper level of my mental, emotional and spiritual health. I’ve been going through my life, understanding the cycles I walk in daily. Looking at myself with a fine-tooth comb, the layers are falling off. Seeing myself more clearly, liking and loving myself. I often catch myself saying, “I don’t know how to be free.” Freedom isn’t a feeling, a fleeting emotion that could change at any moment. Freedom is a fact. Just as Christ has given me freedom through salvation, it is a fact. I may not always feel it, but it doesn’t make it any less true. 

Same with the layers of shame falling off. I can look at myself today and not see guilt, but I see a survivor, victorious gentle person. Everyone sees I do so much yet the idea of more plagues my mind. Like I’m not doing enough to walk in my purpose. Truth is, it’s not my purpose. It’s God’s purpose through me. Just maybe me thinking I need to be doing more is my flesh wanting to take control over something that isn’t mine. The art of letting go is a practice that is a struggle for me to learn. I like to hold onto things like hoarders. My grandmother and great grandmother were severe hoarders induced by trauma. My mother was a mild hoarder also induced by trauma. Collecting things to fill voids. I hoard emotions. Holding everything in, I’m learning to be authentic and knowing that when I’m honest with myself I can be honest with other people. 

Surrender isn’t just letting go but it’s giving everything to God for special care. Safe keeping, my emotions are cared for. My purpose is His, controlling the speed only doing what I’m told. Truth be told it’s not fancy yet it’s more than enough. What I am doing is enough for God to take control. I don’t need to rush ahead to fit into some box I think I need to be in. Out of the box, learning myself, moving forward in growth. I am just where I need to be.