herlucidlife

There used to be so much in my life I wanted to run away from. Today I have a life I look forward to: relaxed, unbothered, gratefully uneventful. I deleted my Facebook Dating profile. Nothing came of it but deception and shallow conversation (I’ll share my one glimmer of hope in another post). I’m learning I don’t fit into the box society has built. Some folks believe the box is true for all women or people, yet I’ve never fit. I was cussed out. I witnessed a grown man throw a temper tantrum because I wouldn’t have sex after only five days of texting, then he blocked me like I did something wrong LOL. Being called evil and selfish because I hold my body near and dear. I used to be afraid to tell a man “no.” I used to think I could get more of his affection by giving him what he wanted. Today I stand on business, I am not afraid to say “no.” I have the courage to remove people from my life that do not mean well. 

I’ve also seen God show true colors when I stand up for my morals. Sometimes people will remove themselves when the boundary line does not move. In the past I did not know I could see someone’s true colors by sticking to the boundary. Withholding what this man wanted I saw the deception so clearly, he removed himself. I’m thankful. I didn’t fall into the trap of fear. I didn’t allow myself to fall into the trap of sympathy and guilt. I never treated my body as sacred before. I was always willing to offer up my body even when I didn’t want to. She’s no longer an option. My spirit is no longer an option to be played with. I hold myself a little tighter. 

It’s not perfect and every now and then I have my low moments and begin thinking. Yet I snap out of it and say, “nothing is worth the work God has done in you, the effort I’ve put in is too expensive to swindle.”  I’m proud of myself for deleting the profile. God keeps showing me it’s okay to focus and be a little selfish right now. I have peace of mind because I didn’t compromise my morals for a man’s physical needs. 

Growth is happening and dammit it feels good!!