herlucidlife

Went to my first therapy session this afternoon. Getting to know each other. A little nervous, scrolling through my emails looking for the Zoom link. Logging in five minutes early to not be late unintentionally. A kind faced Hispanic male came across my phone screen. Exchanging greetings my nerves quickly faded away.  Asking and answering questions he was able to gauge my goal for therapy. I simply want to understand my thoughts and emotions so my actions will change. I hate walking through life feeling as though my emotions are swallowing me whole. Walking through work with a scowl on my face. Unfulfillment is not even the word. I never wanted to settle at a job I didn’t love, yet here I am. While also a deep sense of gratitude that is difficult to reach. Bills paid on time, receiving free therapy, surrounded by encouraging people not to mention a boss who is also a recovering addict, the list of benefits go on.

Have you ever been exactly where you needed to be, receiving what you needed and still felt like something was missing? I’ve been leaning on pornography to give a high I’ve been chasing without mind or mood altering drugs. Using it to numb emotions, to feel something different than I usually endure. Though my mind feels jaded after, my body feels relaxed as if I just smoked a joint on my balcony as the cool breeze caressed my skin carrying the vapor of smoke with it. I haven’t wanted to use drugs, I don’t yearn for substances yet this substance is harder to get rid of than anything I’ve ever encountered. My therapist is helping me unpack the baggage that has been weighing me down for years. Scenes roaring through my mind, stopping myself in my tracks. Having to rearrange my thoughts, the imagery is more difficult to overcome when there is someone in my corner that I’m attracted to. 

Second session…I love therapy. I wish the sessions were two hours rather than forty-five minutes. Feeling heard and understood, vulnerable and transparent. Getting a little more clarity on the thought process in my mind. He suggested a reprogramming of the way I go about releasing physical tension. The idea was given that I put my creativity to use and write healthy, safe, consensual scenes. My body isn’t going to stop feeling aroused and my mind will not stop creating fantasies. These will not be reaching the light of day, yet I’ll do almost anything to rid myself of the yearning to glue my eyes to a screen. Since the appointment I’ve been watching every day multiple times a day. I skipped bible study because I was tired when the truth is I just wanted to wallow in my emotions and masturbate. 

I haven’t been praying like I need to. Reading my bible it feels like nothing is sticking to my brain. I’m going through the motions of life, burying my head in the gutter. Holding onto everything, funny how the burden isn’t visible yet it’s heavier than any man made weight on the planet. I spoke to God about everything that’s been going on and I could feel the weight lift off my neck. Sensing He understood, the behavior didn’t last long. I immediately slipped back into this toxic cycle. Substances were removed so I could deal with the root. Crazy thing is though I’ve been acting out I actually see light at the end of the tunnel. I often wonder why I’m not like those  that receive the immediate freedom or deliverance from their addictions. I hear so many stories of Christians experiencing this and sometimes I feel like a fraud because I haven’t. The only thing that came easy was accepting His salvation. Yet freedom from this human behavior has been grueling work. I guess the work is transforming.