herlucidlife

I don’t know where to begin. I haven’t felt this low since I stopped using. Sometimes I think I need medication. My therapist says what I’m feeling is normal, so why does it feel abnormal? My friend at work says she feels the same way all the time, so why isn’t that comforting? Doctoring my resume to find something different. The sad part is I can do everything in my power to do things differently, to change, to be better and still the timing is all up to God. 

I get angry because I can’t control His timing and with all the prayer in my being. Last week felt depressing to the point where I was having thoughts of just dying. This week felt manic, very high. My mind wasn’t racing yet it felt unusually light compared to the week before. It almost scared me because I don’t remember what last week felt like because I was riding a skyscraper all week. Work was enjoyable, I looked forward to the tasks. Taking great gratitude in having a very low stress job though high pace, when I clock out there’s nothing to bring home.

I didn’t struggle as much with porn this week. I went days without watching which is a huge improvement. It’s crazy how though I’m doing better I feel like a fraudulent Christian. Thank God I want to stop, actively seeking a deeper knowledge of myself to do better. I remember a time in my life where I wasn’t conflicted about it. I knew it was wrong because I would hide it from others, there was no personal conflict on the inside. But now the internal battle is the worst. It’s the battle that lets me know I’m moving in the right direction. I’m not lost. 

Lately I’ve been choosing to keep things for myself, off the internet. Though my blog is a safe space for me, I recognize that anyone can take a look at my very personal life. Choosing to hold this thing for myself has made it feel more real and special. It’s given me an authentic space to really reflect without processing on the screen. I will share later yet not at the moment. Keeping a real time track of my emotions. When I began writing I was sharing everything because no one was reading but me. Having a small audience, I’m beginning to understand the value of privacy. I don’t have to share even when asked. A boundary I’m learning with myself is saying no.

Used to think I had to say yes or because someone asked then I had to share. My life is regular while being rogue. I’m not the only one, I constantly run into people that are doing things differently, going against the grain. At work, stretching the dough at the pizza station. Feeling the lukewarm texture of the dough stretch across my knuckles moving in a circle direction. My feet planted firmly against the cold tile floor, dusted with flour. Back turned to the pizza bar as I dropped toppings onto outstretched dough. Overhearing a conversation customers were having as they selected a slice of pizza. A little girl picked out the slice she wanted, ecstatic when the box hit her hands. Her guardian said, “all that matters is that you’re happy, you got what you wanted.” She immediately replied, “yes I am very happy!” with a huge smile on her face.

Her words hit my mind in a strange way. We live in a world where life is fueled by doing what makes one happy. Everything we ingest says, it’s okay to do what makes you smile regardless of others and mostly regardless of the consequences. No matter what we choose to make us “happy” there seems to be a prescription drug to handle the consequences of each action. I began thinking, what have I sacrificed in order to make me happy? Did it bring a come up or a downfall? Was the collateral damage worth it?