herlucidlife

I’m writing this as if no one is going to read it. I need a quiet space to reflect and gather my thoughts and emotions….took a vacation to Florida. Sitting on the shores of Saint Augustine, soaking up the sun as the waves washed over my legs. Watching little tadpoles race back into the ocean. Having done something I regret. Looking at myself with grace yet a certain type of self loathing. I had sex with a guy I’d known for two months, my travel companion. Him having paid for the plane ticket, hotels and meals, feeling like a high priced prostitute. Yet the weirdest sensation came over me as I landed in Oklahoma. I did not feel or sense not being whole. 

This may be contrary to how some operate in the world. Yet it has been through my reckless decisions that I have seen God work the most in my life. It was the wakeup call within myself. I haven’t been writing because I haven’t wanted to share this part of my journey. I haven’t wanted to feel judged and reprimanded for wanting to have sex with a guy I thought was cute. I purposely went against God to fill my desires. I am rebellious in every area of my life. In both small and big ways, I go against the grain sometimes intentionally while other times unknowingly. I came back home wondering if I love God the way I say I do.

Reading my Bible daily in Florida, I stopped talking to God about this venture in the months leading up to the trip because I was running away from Him. Rather than fleeing from my evil desires I was choosing to flee from God’s careful hand. I was choosing to turn a blind eye to His words. I was grooming myself to sin, slowly putting down my morals to behave immorally. Down on myself, forcing myself to go against who I love. God says those who love Him keep His commands. I forfeited my love for a moment of pleasure. It was not worth it. Looking at myself long and hard, I took back my self will and control. God protected me through it all because His goodness never fails. Disappointed because my love for Him fails all the time because I choose distractions over faithfulness. 

Never wanting to feel that gut punch feeling against myself. I began looking at my relationship with God, it’s lacking severely. Constantly looking for a distraction, I’ve never really wanted to sit and pay attention to our relationship. I walk around arrogantly knowing that God will always be there yet it’s selfish because I don’t give Him nearly enough time. Barely talking to Him throughout the day. I know the damage in our relationship is the root of the damage I cause myself. I’ve been practicing praying throughout the day, not asking for anything but simply sharing my thoughts with Him. Asking Him what He thinks about things. I used to talk to my mother everyday, all day sometimes and to think I talk to God less than that is hurtful. 

I’m writing this to hold myself accountable. I have a habit of following and trusting God when it’s easy. Yet when the distraction is brought into my view whether it unexpectedly appeared or I went looking for it, I put God down. I allow myself to backslide rather than staying the course. The only people I’m hurting are God and myself. I’m tired of constantly trying to control my life when I don’t have to. I’m learning to let go and accept God for who He is and for who I am.

I pray I am not a sounding gong, my journey with God has been messy.