herlucidlife

Dear God, I want to masturbate. I want to feel my body react to a sensual sensation. I put the small little purple flesh felt machine in the kitchen drawer. Away from sight, tucked quietly to be ignored. She is my biggest distraction while also my biggest fear of letting go. Fear of missing out, fear of being better, fear of not needing her to feel good, fear of truly letting God be the center of my life. I’m so scared I will lose all parts of myself when I let God in. Father, I keep You at arms length with sin because I’m scared of Your love. I can feel myself at the brink of a fearless life with You. The freedom of Your love is known yet a mystery. 

What I’m nervous about is the work to keep up as I walk with Him. Out of my element, Lord You fought for the Israelites so I know You’ll fight for me. How will You fight the monsters on the inside? How will You defeat the battle inside my head? You said we don’t fight against flesh and blood but against the principalities and the forces of darkness in high places, in the heavens. I can’t see my battle but God it is raging. What would it look like for me to fight on my knees in prayer than to force control. I don’t believe any of the apologies I say anymore Father, please give me the strength to make a living amends, presenting my body as a living sacrifice. 

I know what to do because You’ve shown me Your ways. I’ve seen the light because You’ve given me Your Holy Spirit. I know the truth because I’ve learned Your Son. Paul said to be imitators of him. Paul learned and practiced the ways of God. Jesus lived a perfect life to be the true example of what living with God looks like. I always try to live for You but I lose the battle every time because I don’t have the strength. I’m so weak, yet I try to push through as if I’m hulk. Even hulk had his poison and I have mine. Father  please keep me accountable, please never leave my side and please never give up on me. I need You! 

I know we can do it together, You’ll fight while I do what You say in faith. I need You! You said You will never leave nor forsake me, I’m praying I never leave nor forsake You. You know everything about me Father and yet You stay around like a Good Father would. Loving His daughter because He knows I’d be dead without just His pinky finger over my life. It hurts to hurt You! It breaks me to go against You even for a moment. You see my rebellious nature, the defiance that runs so deep. You accept it all. It’s that rebellious, reckless nature that allows me to have faith in Your protection. You just spoke to me, I need to be rebellious against the tactics of the devil and my evil nature, rather than going against You. 

You love me infinitely more than I could ever love myself and for that I owe You my life.