herlucidlife

Scrolling on Instagram, looking at the many Christian influencers I follow. A young woman I admire on her God given path constantly mentions being fearless. Not just in some areas but all areas of life. Her comment “just wear the outfit” really stuck in my mind. I’m always thinking, “oh I’ll wear the dress when I lose weight or I’ll wear the outfit when I have a man around.” Thoughts like that are rooted in fear, waiting for the “perfect” body or situation. Living in a thought process of not being whole enough to encounter those things so I must wait for something outside myself to occur in order to feel good enough to wear that thing. I’ve recently been wearing clothes that would have normally fueled self consciousness. 

Doing the thing I was scared to do has been the very thing granting me confidence in myself, in my body. I wear that form fitting dress and tank top regardless of my little belly. I work hard in the gym to not just be proud of what my body looks like but to be proud of the things my body can do. Sliding into my bodycon dress, going to the laundromat. It hit me that no one talks bad about my body but me. No one makes me feel insecure but me. The craziest thing happened when I began wearing the clothes I wanted to wear in my closet…nothing. The world didn’t end, no one made a comment, nothing happened but my fear washing away and confidence replacing it.

As I’m typing this I realize my body is not mine but God’s, to be presented as a living sacrifice. I am to steward and enjoy her but only in the confines of God’s creative plan. Sweat drips down as I work through each exercise, the gym flowing with people, folks doing their best to be better, the energy fuels my excitement to move. Feeling the muscles contract and operate in a rhythmic way, I thank God for the mobility in my joints. I give thanks and praise through the movement of my body because I know people that can not do what God has allowed me to do. I’m at the beginning stages of accepting myself, all areas especially the flaws. The flaws allow diversity in my life. Scars allow the blessing of miracles to be pungent with aromatic wonders of God’s work. 

Perfection does not need a miracle working God. Weakness, limitation and anything human completely yearns for the awestruck power of God. Every week I am amazed how God gave me strength to get through the week. I am healthy, drug free, mentally clear, walking in victory and experiencing our relationship. Father and daughter walking together, I no longer call it “my relationship”, I call it “our relationship.” Controlling nothing, never alone two peas in a pod working together. Operating in love, He’s a Father that never leaves His children for anything. He’s The Big God that leaves the ninety-nine for the one, yet still protects the ninety-nine while chasing the one.