herlucidlife

Haven’t been writing much, haven’t had much to say I suppose. My thoughts lately have been quiet, introspective, a little zany with a hint of intrusiveness. Emotions shifting to the natural rollercoaster of me. Unintentionally taking a break from writing to live, to be. Continuing on my journey of recovery, staying clean for one more day. Sometimes doing the work means not doing the work. Mental breaks are necessary. Walking out of Whole Foods heat swallows my body as I walk out of the double doors. 

My emotional state can be a reflection of my spiritual health. Oftentimes I ask God, will I be loved in spite of my sinful nature? My gut hums yes. Walking up the stairs to my apartment. The heat beating down on my exposed skin, carrying my laundry basket. Having made a trip to the laundromat, I couldn’t wait to get inside. Battling my flesh, per the usual at this point. Putting my weight on the first step up the stairs, I asked God, can I still live eternity with you when I’m too weak to fight against my sin and too fragile to not accept temptation? My gut hummed, yes.  

I just want to spend eternity with God, not to see heaven but to be with Him. I fail so miserably that sometimes it feels I’ve stopped trying to do better. I keep pushing to not grow weary in doing good. It’s not the doing good that grows weary, it’s the staying away from the trouble that is difficult. Eating food I shouldn’t be eating, I’m honest with my friends so I know I’m not living a double life. Hiding nothing from God, He sees every flaw. He is there for every sinful act…shamefully so, I can’t hide my guilt. Sometimes the mask of comfort slips on so easily that I almost believe that I’m okay with my brokenness. 

I will never be okay with my sin. I don’t believe it’s ever okay, God said it is not. Talking to my best friend earlier today, she reminded me that God doesn’t want a perfect child. He just wants someone with a heart full of faith. Her life brimming with blessing. Events in her life have been gut wrenching and it almost hindered her faith, but God stuck with her through it. He brings the most beautiful works of art to her front door, things that can only be God. The covenant of faith didn’t start in the New Testament, it began in Genesis with Abraham. Faith in God, faith in Christ is what brings righteousness to us. We can’t earn it nor deserve it; belief and faith are all we have…is all I have.