herlucidlife

Looking forward to seeing him again. Over the course of weekend hangouts, getting to know each other. Cooking dinners, wrapped tight on the sofa watching movies, deep diving into our lives together. His face began to change, with every visit his features became sweeter, his voice became more delicious. The little quirks, like how he gets excited when he’s talking about a new project, his motions become big and animated. The inflection in his voice as he talks about his busy life, little coughs as he talks a syrupy rasp covering his vocal cords. I won’t give all the details, some things should not be on the internet. 

I was not expecting anything when we hung out the first time, even the second time I felt a little on edge. In my head, not who I’d usually go for. It took a little time for me to warm up to him, yet once I stopped being in my head and simply enjoying the process. Something changed. He stopped feeling like “just a friend.” It’s crazy how people go from being strangers to family. Unknown to best friends turned to brothers and sisters. Foreigners to lovers. An unlikely person has shown a love so unexpected that it left me questioning if it were genuine. The ease at which he practices every love language is heartwarming and scary. 

Being hurt and being the one who has hurt others leaves my mind questioning any nice thing a man does. Even when the words and actions match, I look for the other shoe to drop because it always has, even if that shoe was me. Trust is both earned and given free until either it is broken or fortified with sincerity of both hearts. Moving slowly, out of my element. The beauty of this relationship is the vulnerability and safety. Friendship is a relationship. I’ve shared things that could be used against me, thrown back in my face, could leave me exposed. Heart on both sleeves, I told him I’m scared. It’s sad when a healthy relationship can strike fear in my heart. It’s sad when sincerity can be portrayed as a ruse. I ask God, can he be trusted? I listen for His voice to hit my gut. 

What I’m writing he knows. I fell asleep wrapped tight in his arms because I felt safe. Maybe he was sent to teach me how to trust again. It’s hurtful when that great love I want can be killed through my inability to trust them and myself. I’m out of practice. I feel like I’m in way over my head, always on my mind. Is it safe to fall? I don’t know but it seems I’m doing it anyway. The hours seem too short with you and too long with you away. Counting down the time till I hear his voice, experiencing his presence floating around in the air we breathe…I can’t wait.