herlucidlife

I’ve been doing better at getting refocused on my side of the street. When my heart begins to fall it’s really easy to become consumed with the other person. Listening to an amazing speaker at a meeting tonight, he said something so profound. He said, “I wanted someone to love me enough for the both of us.” He didn’t love himself, so he was looking for someone to love him for him. Kicked in the heart because I often struggle with feeling the emotion of love for myself. I don’t do my best every day to love myself in action. Some days I slack off and leave the actions on the shelf and fiddle with a distraction instead. 

Nestled tightly together on his sofa, dimly lit watching television. My eyes grew heavy, feeling his chest move up and down due to the air in his lungs expanding and contracting. Hugged tight, drifting to sleep, I felt safe. I remember when it would take hours for me to fall asleep with someone, if I fell asleep at all. Comfort, his home feels like walking into a long lost place in my soul. I’ve been enthralled with a man before, I sense something peculiar about our situation. On my mind throughout the day, praying over him. Pure joy comes over my heart when I think about how much he does to keep himself in check, intune, above water. Enduring traumatic events that would cripple some folks, he is resilient, growing with endurance. His faith in God is walking him through the discomfort of life at the moment. Holding on, doing the best he can, rooting for him all the way I am a proud cheerleader. 

Every single friend God has blessed me with is a soul mate. Each person is an extension of me and I of them. Pulled together through attraction of the heart, we share things in common and are on the same road of spiritual self-discovery. We look to God for His guidance and give thanks for all He’s done. Unexpectedly, I allowed him entry into my world, and he allowed me into his. The greatest reward in life is being able to experience someone else’s life on a personal level, doing life with each other is an extraordinary gift of this life. Loving God and loving others, that’s it. Love is growing towards him. I went into this relationship with no expectations. No end goal in mind, I wasn’t even sure we would hit it off at the first dinner date. Afterwards I couldn’t wait to see him again. 

Blubbering on like a lovesick teenager, I think I am. I don’t share all of my heavy emotions because I don’t want the pressure of reciprocation in the mix. Neither of us did anything for these emotions to be here, so I keep the whole of my iceberg to myself and only give the tip. In the past I would share way too early and the energy would shift from easy to pressure. I love having a friend yet deep down I know that won’t be enough and I’ll want something deeper in the end. Yet what could be deeper than true friendship based on love and respect. I’m scared, traumatized by myself and others. Keeping my emotions in my pocket for safekeeping until it feels right, I’m moving slowly. We’re moving slowly because deep down though we’d like to think trust is given freely it is also earned. Both are true.