herlucidlife

Getting dressed for the divine union of two dear friends. Looking through my wardrobe, picking out an outfit I felt confident and beautiful in. Smelling fresh, walking down stairs to the car gift in hand, the summer heat kissing my skin softly. Turning the air conditioning on that my sweet friend helped fix, he is a true gem. Worship music bumping through the speakers of my car, speaking to God through their words. Excitement coursing through my veins because I have the privilege of witnessing God’s goodness in the lives of my friends through the gift of marriage. 

Pulling into the parking lot, walking up the sidewalk to a crisp white chapel, cool air and bubbling family and friends filled the area. Sitting next to my girlfriend, waiting patiently for the ceremony to begin. Tears streaming down the face of the bride and groom as they look at the life they will share together. Harmony, the grace of God nestled in between their beating hearts. Their love is palpable, the kind of love little girls and women dream about. Some will find and others never will. Listening to the pastor speak words of wisdom about the sacred foundation of marriage and how it mimics the gospel. 

I learned two things, the greatest love I will ever find is that of Jesus Christ. It is with Him I find true comfort, acceptance and a never dying love that surpasses emotions into the land of reckless behavior. The smiles on the faces of these two wonderful human beings can only be love gifted from God. It was unmatched. Driving home, singing praises to God, a smile comes over my face so pure, He allows me to smile in the darkest times. He is my shelter when I feel exposed and my guidance when I am lost. He covers me when I am bare, He fills me when I am empty. He heals me when I am broken, gives me strength at all times because my weakness is perpetual. Jesus died so I could live, He stopped breathing so I could breathe forever. He grants me peace when the future is uncertain, unreliable and left in the hands of things I can not control. 

The second thing I learned was I did not respect the vow of marriage like I needed too. I say I want to get remarried but is that God’s will for me? Do I put honor on what He created? Anything God creates is good and should be treated with honor. I left my marriage, I did not stick it out because I was so uncomfortable I did not want to hold to the rules of “death do us part.” Divorce is shameful yet sometimes I wear it like a badge of honor because it’s the only way I know how to live with the disgust of not being able to live within marriage. I look at my life today, I truly want to get remarried yet when I look over my life; past, present and future, marriage just doesn’t seem to fit. It doesn’t seem to fit in the life I have with myself nor with the people I date. 

It’s hard to want something that I can’t even see in the future. The light goes dim in that area, then peace falls over my mind. I let it go, the stress falls away and I’m able to enjoy where I’m at. My life is full without marriage, my days are spent with loved ones and myself. I may not ever get married again and that’s okay because I am a child of God and when Jesus comes back for His bride, I will be in the boat of those received by the Groom, the King.