herlucidlife

A new friendship had begun to brew with a young lady from my church group. Seemingly nice on the outside, enjoying our first one on one lunch. I was looking forward to gaining a new friend. Mentioning she was a tattoo artist several times, I was looking for someone to ink my bare skin. Yet, another intimate friend of mine also does beautiful tattoo work. I chose to go with him. Doing his best, taking his time. Sitting calmly enjoying the tickle of the tattoo gun against my skin. My first two part tattoo, getting used to the look of unfinished ink. Trusting the process meant trusting the person on the journey with me.  

Arm shining, walking into our Sunday school class. Everyone could see the new work. The unfinished product was still growing on me, this supposed friend walked up to me and said the work looked horrible. Shattering my confidence, doubt began to fill my mind. Doubt is nothing more than fear in different clothes. After all was said and done it hurt my heart that I did not stand up for him and his work, nor did I stand up for what I had chosen to do. While agreeing with this person who didn’t know me well enough to speak to me in such a way. I held myself accountable and talked to him about it and apologized to him for what I did not do. 

After talking to some trusted friends in my life they informed me of the red flags I had missed. It took me off guard because I hadn’t considered that her motives could be ill. Baffled, looking at the scene playing it back, I realized that I played into her hand with my own doubt and all she had to do was add a little gasoline. I mistook spite for genuine concern. Most days I’m so focused on being self aware that I forget to be aware of the intentions of others. I felt this icky feeling of mellow anger tangle into irritation down right disgust that I was so gullible to almost agree with her until I stepped back and saw the whole story for what it was. I may not always react in the moment but God makes sure to bring friends into my life that speak the truth, shed light and help me navigate. My gut told me something was off the moment I met her yet I thought it was an internal issue of my own. Now I know my gut was telling me this is not a friend. 

Moving to a new city posed threats I’d not considered in a long time…insincere people. Parents always tell their children to avoid the wrong crowd. As an adult the wrong crowd is blurred because everything is at the discretion of the individual, whereas children live by the rules of authority. I’ve learned that the wrong crowd for me is any person that goes against God, my recovery and beliefs. Granted there are times when I am the wrong crowd for myself and allow folks in that do not mean well because things are hidden nowadays. Mean people smile in your face and nice folk talk about you behind your back. No longer black and white, things are gray. I use those I trust around me and the gut feeling of God to guide me away from wrong and into the right.