herlucidlife

Pricking, stingy points of needles sliding against my bare skin. Ink spreading onto the surface of melanin. Swollen with black puddles of creativity. Sitting through hours of needle work to cover something that was once naked. Life roaming through my head as the pain stretches across my arm. Dreams, barely goals, staying consistent in the basics I love. Not overcomplicating things, I’ve been faulting on my recovery. Losing focus. Not going to daily meetings. I say I want to move ahead in life yet how do I move ahead when I’m distracted and slipping in the current place? When recovery is not first, life will begin to slip and relapse is only a moment away. Giving the disease any leeway is death, just as sin is death. 

I saw mom in my dream. It’s been a little over a month since I’ve seen her, but my subconscious was so focused on the guy friend on my phone that I barely spoke to her. Waking up I felt like crying because perhaps my inner being really needed to hear her voice. It felt good to say “hi mama” and it be directed towards her. In recovery they say it takes almost the full length of recovery to come into a different mindset, meaning seven years of hardcore addiction will take seven years of recovery to be fully in my right mind. Even then recovery must be the forefront of my life. I bring that same equation to grief, living twenty-one years with this woman clearly will take longer than eight years to be okay. Right? I’m not even halfway yet, it could take more or less time. 

Counterfeit. Settling, putting down my convictions for temporary pleasure, it’s not comfort because even in the moment there’s nothing soothing to the soul. I choose to put down my convictions out of fear of not having the relationship I think I need. Not trusting God is the root of it all. My prayers have been absent, and it feels like I’m trying to carry all these things on my emotional shoulders. I allow guilt and shame to sink in when I’m having sex regularly and I run away from God because I feel so unclean and unworthy to be around Him. It’s for that exact reason that I should be drawing nearer to Him because I cannot put down this sin, guilt and shame by myself. I need God to help me put it down. 

It’s for that reason that I feel like I’m not doing enough in my life because I’m trying to do everything in my own power rather than consulting God. I applied for these jobs, but I don’t want them after I’ve clicked “submit” on the application. I’ve lost sight of the basics while trying to do something different. Trying to move boldly without God’s direction is dangerous. Raw dogging life is not the way to go but seems that’s what I’ve been doing when I do not pray nearly enough. Anyway…I don’t know what point I’m trying to make but it’s time to prioritize the basics daily.