herlucidlife

Going through each question with my sponsor, some of the ways I thought about myself made her cry. Some of the things I’d experienced due to horribly low self esteem where actualy sexual assault…I had no clue. The weight of her telling me that some of the sexual encounters weren’t just wrong but against the law, weighed on me throughout my work shift. I knew what happened was not right yet I never considered it was of that magnitude. The things low self esteem allowed me to do were heartbreaking. I allowed things to happen to me because I thought love would be waiting for me around the corner. Counterfeit love is simply a lie. I no longer place blame on the other party but myself too because eventually when the doors of the prison close and I’m the only one holding the key to be released then I am just as much to blame as the person who helped me build the walls. 

I am walking on the path to freedom. I am walking on the path to being set loose. Writing these words, tears welling up in my eyes I haven’t let the emotions of this step be released. I’ve been holding things in, not focusing on them. It breaks my heart to know the turmoil I sent myself through because I did not love nor respect myself. My esteem was low the moment I came out of the womb. Once again that was something that was hidden very well, unless I specifically decided to share about it in closed settings. It’s really easy to minimize the damage when only looking at things event by event or in a factual way. Yet reading my words, seeing the story of my life collectively I see how everything compounded on each other, suffocating me. It’s only by God’s grace that I have a sense of wellness today. 

Mila curled in a ball, napping next to me on the couch. She eases the tension between my ears. It’s wild how her presence relieves a lot of heaviness in my mind. She’s teaching me how to be even more gentle and attentive. It’s okay to move slowly through life because whether it’s fast or slow the timing is all up to God. Driving to the gym after work, the hustle and bustle of the store had come to an end. Body feeling heavy, adrenaline leaving my body as my car eased through the streets. Walking into the gym after having stopped home for a snack and to feed my cat. The space was chill, people calmly meandering through exercise machines. Making my way to the stairmaster for a light exercise moment after a tiring and emotional day. Watching the lives of others from different countries on the television floating above me. It hit me that I have fallen prey to the culture of always needing to move ahead. In some other countries just simply having food and water for the day is enough, there is no career ladder to climb.

Simple living is enough. I get so consumed with looking for the next “big break” I forget to just enjoy doing what I love. Providing for my home, being responsible for the most part, doing what I love and enjoying the community around me. I’m learning that is enough for me and God will progress things when it needs to happen. I look at those that are doing what they love for a living, they didn’t necessarily do things different or extraordinary, they kept being consistent in what they loved and things happened when they were supposed to. I truly believe the same will work out for me. As life continues to move in the right direction I will continue to prioritize a simple life centered around good values and intentional connections.