herlucidlife

Having completed the process of going through step four with my sponsor, it was so clear to both of us that sex is more of a drug for me than substances ever were. All these years carrying around memories, grudges and it turns out I was hurt more than I realized. I’m in the process of letting these resentments go because they only hurt me. My sponsor knows things I’ve kept hidden for years, things only the people involved know. It felt good to tell someone who knew nothing about my past, having a clear view unbiased. 

My sponsor suggested I go six months without sex. I agreed it is absolutely what I need. My mind is so muddied, I do my best to keep going through life to reach something higher…whatever that thing is. The biggest red flag came across my mind as I read my life story to my sponsor, the red flag is me. Red with blood from all the wounds I created and they’re still bleeding. Some things have scabbed but after looking not much has healed. Walking into my place of work, my body felt heavier and heavier with every step reaching the sliding doors. Having felt energized at home, I couldn’t fake that my eyes felt like they were barely open and my voice struggled to reach past a whisper. 

Face still with no emotion, irritation in front of my mind. Praying for God to get me through the shift. I left early, headed home the weight of emotions on my shoulders. Genuine laugh came from my cat bouncing around the bathroom scratching at invisible dirt. The same feeling came back around the next day heading into work. Appetite went into hiding, humor nonexistent. Driving to the south side for an update on my tattoo. Not saying much of anything to the guy I’m dating. Chewing on my sponsor’s suggestion, quietly in my head, eyes heavy from the weight behind my pupils. I haven’t shut down around him before but there’s no faking I really don’t want to be here. 

Anyway…my mind shut off, all I can sense is irritation, wanting to end things, and run for the hills. In recovery they say life on life’s terms but they never say that emotional and spiritual healing is also life on life’s terms. It’s something that is unpredictable, somewhat out of my control and takes over life with little notice. There’s a silver lining in the muck and mire of this existence that the small things bring joy. God requires nothing and no one to be perfect, He is perfect and beyond for every soul in this existence.