herlucidlife

God grants more than I could ever imagine and still my mind feels heavy. Perhaps it’s hormones or maybe cravings for unhealthy things or perhaps it’s the hard time being consistent with healthy things…or maybe it’s God working things out and I’m riding the wave of the in-between. I sometimes doubt myself. Doing my best to be honest when I write, there are times when it feels more like ungrateful complaining than genuine unfiltered emotions. Tangled on the inside, things are going great on the outside, yet the inside feels like the tornados that tried to touch down last night. I don’t know how my emotions honor God. 

I have The Heavenly Father who calls me His child yet there are days I feel like an orphan. Deciding not to have sex, having the encouragement from my sponsor and most of all God. I’m scared to lose someone I’m not even sure I want anymore. I’m learning a new position at work and I’m so nervous I won’t be very good at it. I do my best to prioritize my recovery yet somedays it feels like nothing has changed inside. My little cat tiptoes through the house, her tail swinging happily and yet I think is she truly happy?  Am I doing enough for her? I work out consistently four times a week yet I think I’ve actually gained weight. Constantly buying unhealthy food, not buying foods feels like forcing myself to not use drugs. 

My mind is so filled with what I cannot do, I forget about what God can do. What He does within me, He is God, always doing the most. He cares enough to multiply the little I do. He hears me and answers even when I don’t ask questions. He sees and moves things around when I say nothing. The magic, the only highest divine force, is God. I say a lot of things when I write that sound good but the only things I internalize are the times when my mind is cloudy with emotions and I can’t see past my hand. Arms tucked, nothing outstretched to God, there are times when it is so hard to whisper a couple sentences to Him. 

God moves mountains inside of me even when stumbling blocks are present. It’s insane how my shortcomings are intertwined into His story for us. Our love story, Father and daughter. He is perfect, I am unbearably sinful. He is holy, He spilt blood to make me holy and righteous. Father saves my soul everyday even when I’m not sure I want Him too, He adores me anyway. Sitting in the trenches of my emotions with me, all I can think is thank God You are exactly who You say You are.