herlucidlife

I stare at her like a mom staring at their newborn baby. My eyes and heart are full of love for little Mimi. Utterly perfect, precious being. It’s wild how animals don’t have souls like we do yet somehow their beings mesh with our hearts. Coming home full of emotion, immediately getting in the bed Mimi curled up tight into my stomach. My gut hurting, she laid exactly where I needed. I choke down a lot of emotions, read flags my gut doesn’t sit well with. My intuition knows something is off. 

The “ex-girlfriend” has always been in the background from the beginning. Living in an illusion, as long as she wasn’t brought up my mind could pretend she was not there. We all know the line, “she’s just a friend.” I don’t believe you can have sex with someone and then go back to being “just friends.” But see I signed up for this dysfunction and my gut is saying I can leave any time I need. It’s so mentally and spiritually crippling when I’m scared to leave someone that I know doesn’t care for me. Nice actions and words can be phony to simply get what is wanted but intentions are hard to read. My gut is saying something is off. 

Dating for months, having sex against my own will, doing my best to ignore what I think is best for me to simply have someone in my life. I’m too old for this kind of behavior and brokenness. Anytime she’s brought up my stomach turns. Just getting off from work, headed home to feed Mimi and clean up. I went over to hang out, I love the drive. Cruising down the highway is the best part of any invitation. Arriving at his front door, my mind has been drifting away from him for weeks now. Finding the exit in my attraction. My sponsor suggested I don’t have sex, of course I agreed because it’s something God had been telling me for a long time. Sex is what I’ve always used to fill the voids, even when I didn’t want too. 

Having told him about it, I knew he didn’t care when it still happened that night. I have to grow stronger in my boundaries. I know a man doesn’t care when it seems the heavier feelings and emotions of the woman are either downplayed or brushed off as being too “sensitive.” Making sexual sin seem okay with God because He created sex, that’s wrong. It’s heartbreaking when loneliness and acceptance of a man are more important than what God says. Self-honesty is saying I’m at fault for wanting to believe lies because of my wounds. I’m not taking responsibility for his part, only mine and I have the power to move away…with God.