herlucidlife

Sitting on the sofa watching a movie at his place, lately I haven’t been wanting to cuddle or be touched. My mind moves away from a man before it’s ever verbalized. Trying to find reasons to hang around, it’s becoming very slim. Movie in full swing, eating a little dinner… his phone rings, it’s his drunk ex-girlfriend on a Friday at midnight. The whole vibe was dead, I finished the movie curled tight on the other end of the sofa and immediately left when it was over. Another huge reminder that I’ll never feel comfortable in his life when she’s soo comfortable in his. 

I need to leave; I have to go. I’ve been doing my best to ignore what my gut knows is true and the signs are getting louder and louder. Forcing myself to be okay with less than. I do not believe he is not less than he is great for someone else. Yet for what I say I want and need; he does not match. I don’t even match what I need and want for myself yet, but I will because I’m actively doing the work. Part of the work is being honest with myself and others. Lies whether told by myself or from others keep the individual trapped. I’ve been living in my own prison by believing the lies I tell myself. Trying to be okay with behaviors I am not. 

I am fully aware that the ex-girlfriend is not going anywhere, and I don’t believe she should have to if that set up works for them. Yet I do not have to stick around and make myself okay with something that literally makes me want to throw up. I’m making myself suffer to say I have someone which by the way I don’t have anyone. I’m “a friend” so why do I care so much about what this man is doing? Even after saying what I’ve said I have such a hard time speaking my mind in the moment. My mind becomes quiet, the words choke, and I can’t help but feel really small and insignificant at that time. Almost like my feelings don’t matter because for so long I kept telling myself that it wasn’t a big deal even when I knew it was. 

Talking with my girlfriends, I needed their shoulders to lean on. I know I’m not crazy and their sentiments helped me see that I am in fact seeing everything exactly the way it should be. Having left dinner, thoroughly enjoying girl time. I drove to his home knowing we needed to have a conversation. Needing to be honest about how I’m feeling, anxious energy creeping into my bones. The wildest thing happens on the inside when God’s voice is obeyed, a peace comes over and even though it can be difficult to walk the course; it’s always better with Him.