herlucidlife

God added a year to my life in an overflowing abundance of His grace, mercy and love toward me. Waking up to Mimi meowing and meandering through the apartment looking for good eats and rubs. Excitement to be alive for this wonderful day. Having spent the weekend with friends, I wanted to spend this day with God and myself. This birthday felt special because I chose to give more time to God than to myself. Not only enjoying my own company but His company mostly. Sleeping until one o’clock in the afternoon. Mimi scratched against her post, moaning for kibble. Peeling my body out of the warm bed into the refreshing breeze created by the ceiling fan. Mimi bolts to the kitchen ready for what’s in store. Her tongue lapping up food, as my feet venture to the sofa for an after-slumber nap. My mind always goes into dark territory when I sleep too long. Falling into websites with nude bodies fornicating for whatever reason. I began my birthday with disgust in my heart, I was over it. 

Bagging up a small purple machine that gives off arousing sensations, it went into the dumpster with other trash things. Fear and freedom flooded my body, I have nothing to fall back on when that sensation hits my mind and body. Conversations with God before doing the deed, talking to myself at the gym allowing God to break down the lies I told myself. I have to go all in just like I did when I stopped using drugs. Warm water rushing over my body after a nice session at the gym, picking out clothes I feel comfortable and cute in. Mimi received her farewell cuddles before I exited my apartment. Highway thick with five o’clock traffic, taking my time listening to people sing about the character of God. Pulled into the parking lot, ready for God at one of my favorite places, the lake. Something about water and God mix so well. He is the living water; water has existed as long as God has. In Genesis God created everything yet two things He did not have to create were water and darkness. 

So I go to the oldest living creature to be next to the Eternal Creator. A cool and cozy breeze swept off the water, wrapping its arms around my body. My once disgusted soul began to feel reborn and ultimately loved. God changed my perception and emotions in a couple hours. His presence is the miracle. From dinner to stores to dessert to a NA meeting to a little snack, I could feel God’s presence around me and inside of me. Bringing my Bible to dinner, one thing I focused on this birthday was creating space for God in my day. Oftentimes I thank God for my birthday, but I don’t actually spend time with Him and surround myself with things that bring Him into my heart and mind. By doing so it made this birthday special because I allowed God space to be. Not asking Him for anything, not looking for Him to change or fix anything but to be. I want God to exist in my life without always doing something he use He is worthy of my love regardless.  

God is God and He does not need me, yet every moment I breathe it reminds me that I need God’s presence way more, sometimes more than Him doing blessings and miracles. Though I love when God moves mountains, I also want to love Him when He is not moving.