herlucidlife

I haven’t had sex in over a month. I threw my vibrator away. I’ve been eating all kinds of food. Nervous that my appetite will sky rocket because I’ll turn to the next thing that makes me feel “good.” Removing all these drugs to have the voids filled with God. Learning and practicing spiritual principles. The true test will be when that urge becomes so strong, my back will feel like it’s against the wall. I’ll force myself to make a decision, will I or won’t I? I’ve abstained from watching porn for five months in the past, yet it never felt like I was recovering from it. I really need this time to be recovery. I share in meetings my struggles with this aspect of my disease and so many people struggle with it. I feel empowered by speaking on it because the consensus is that this is something mostly men struggle with. I was watching a video by believers in God yet they kept referring to how men struggle with porn use and how the women are the victims of the porn industry. 

Yet porn and sex addiction impacts both women and men, both are viewers and doers. Since being in recovery I’ve seen that there really are few victims but mostly broken people doing broken things hoping for a result that makes them feel good. Whether at the expense of someone else or themselves, it’s a choice made. Some choices are made by the disease and others are made by a recovered person. When I look at my own street, there’s so much insanity and powerlessness involved in my porn addiction. Insane because I know there’s no love there, it continues to warp the view of my own body. I’ve never felt sexually empowered and precious in that godly way and watching porn goes against what I truly desire for myself. I’ll never see what God intends for sex to be on those screens. My brain chemistry has changed, there are things inside of me that are not okay. I’m looking for the biggest miracle to be done in my heart, mind and soul. 

I am expecting the biggest change to be done within. Having every material possession I could ever want and need. God has granted me things that my heart once longed for and now that I have those things. I am actively doing the work for the inside. I think about all the years I went without doing the work, it’s the most grueling yet rewarding job I have ever done. Though not where I “think” I should be, I do know I am exactly where God wants me to be. I’ve been unconsciously isolating, there are times when I believe God wants us alone. Community is needed, God created us for it. Most importantly God created us to have community with Him. Time with Him and oftentimes from the outside it looks like being alone. Spending this time with God has allowed me to see why I choose to be around certain people and if I’m being true to myself when I am around them. 

Focused on my lane, not on a man, not on friends, but my peace of mind. Keeping contact with friends through forms of communication that allow me to be in my own space. I can finally say that I do not obsess over people at this point in my life because I have a deep connection with the relationships that will last eternity…God and myself.