herlucidlife

Emotional appetite is ravenous looking for a bottomless well. Having eaten a full meal, my mind kept running in circles on how to wash it down with a snack. Emotions all over the place since giving up sex and porn, feeling raw and vulnerable. Financially overwhelmed, working hard but seeming to always break even. I spend money I don’t have on food I don’t need. Walking out of Raisin Cane’s mind thinking of going to Whataburger for fries. Feelings of disgust and anxiousness inside because the thought is insane. Belly hurting from being too full and still thinking of putting more inside. Having texted two friends, no reply, my mind just would not let up. Arriving at the car I began talking to God, the words came out like vomit on His feet. 

One thing I’ve always noticed when coming to God is when I share honestly He always shows up. Talking with Him for ten minutes still parked at Raisin Cane’s, my mind began to slow down and remembered that God always shows up. He makes room for my brokenness in His plan. He makes room for my inconsistencies. He makes room for my humanity. Allowing things to work out still because He knows I go against even my own nature to act out. My emotions are not a lack of love toward God, they are a lack of knowing myself. I am just learning and actively practicing how to cope with emotions in a healthy way. I’ve hated emotions for so long, I’ve spent my whole life running from them like the plague. Yet I can not out run what’s inside, God gifted these emotions and feelings to me for a reason and though I do not understand the reason, they serve a purpose. 

Pulling out of the parking lot, watching the raindrops dance across the windshield. The impulse to continue eating began to fade as I made my way home. Arriving home ready to see Mimi, the thought of eating faded. Thanking God softly, it was His doing. I was going to force myself to do something I really didn’t want to do, just to quiet emotions that are so loud they can’t be ignored, knowing it would not make me feel better. The insanity is doing reckless behavior doesn’t make the emotions better but worse because I’m digging a bigger hole every single time. God loves me so I am rescued, yet I don’t want to take advantage. I need to continue learning these hard lessons because every skill will help me with the road ahead.

Thank God for Your discipline, love and preparation.