herlucidlife

From a young age I was serving in the church, always volunteering. Even through active addiction I managed to continue serving at church, volunteering with the Outreach team and was lead of the team for a couple years. Though I loved serving, I often served because it was mandatory growing up but as an adult I was too scared of folks’ reactions to say no or I’d guilt myself into saying yes because I thought I had to serve, like saying no made me a “bad” person. Serving became the norm yet I never considered my intentions with service.  After a while service work became a way of making myself feel good. As long as I was serving then I didn’t need to deal with the pain on the inside because I was behaving like a “healed” person. Thinking my actions made me a “good” person so there was nothing to change. I used service as a mask to keep doing my hidden dirt. I was always helping others but never letting others help me through my grief. 

I was always saying the right things but did not have the knowledge applied to follow my own advice. Looking back I had no knowledge and the wisdom I was using was very broken. I was a disservice because though it may have ended genuine, service did not start off as genuine. The mask was so heavy. Serving others gave me the acceptance and validation I was looking for, the sad thing is I wasn’t looking to God for it. When I came into recovery service work was stressed, they always say serving keeps an addict accountable, responsible and clean. The first several months of my recovery I was co-hosting for my online NA homegroup, it was that service commitment that kept me grounded when I moved states. I needed the community when life got wonky. Yet over time, doing my best to stay financially afloat, working three jobs at one point I could not keep up.

I let go of the service commitment. God showed me that there are seasons where we pour into others and there are seasons where we allow ourselves to be poured into. I was doing my best to pour from an empty cup because I thought I’d be less “good” if I didn’t. Another disservice is giving when one can not afford the cost. I now know I was using service work as a means to not do the internal work, it was a distraction. Having gone almost a year without a solid service commitment I have more joy because I’m no longer stretching myself thin. I’m being honest with myself and not feeling obligated to say “yes.” Always willing to serve a friend in need, I also look at my intention in that space to make sure it aligns. I’m thankful for this time to serve myself because when I do come into contact with friends and strangers who need something I’m pouring from a full well. I have a little more knowledge and wisdom rooted in God, I use actual experiences because I practice daily. “Good” and “bad” people don’t exist, all are broken in need of The Savior. 

Service is the backbone of Jesus’ life and ministry. There are times when I feel conflicted about not serving in a traditional way and then I remember that God controls the seasons. He wants me in this season of healing so I can better serve those around me. Sometimes the best service work is not serving at all.