herlucidlife

Staying home for the holidays not up for traveling. My Aunt invited me to the holiday festivities, having already made up my mind to stay home, I said yes. Kicking myself it felt like I’d buckled when my mind was made up. A knee jerk reaction to say yes to people when I really want to say no. Work schedule and finances are tight and most of the time, I do not have the discretionary money to travel. Some of my family members are on my resentments list. I’ve been wrestling with the emotions of growing and not letting go. Certain phrases or wording I allow to irritate me. Thinking that they have some hidden resentment when really, I’m the one that has not asked God to release me. 

Having gone through step four. I know exactly why I resent them yet by not asking God to remove these resentments. I keep them on my shoulders like baggage. Whether noticed or not, resentments weigh my mind down. In the past I was always trying to escape my thoughts, my day-to-day life, me! Yet today my life is so good, I’m seeing things about myself and catching those knee jerk reactions a little more quickly. I see growth and interact with it on a daily basis. Reaching out to decline my aunt’s offer, I’m learning to do things for me and not for the approval of others. Today I’m more worried about the perception of me to myself than to other people. 

As a young adult woman living alone, I have to think about how my actions can affect my finances and body. If those things are going to be out of whack, then I’d prefer to not do it. That’s growth considering in the past I would have said yes to things that put me in a bind financially and would leave me physically exhausted. Dealing with the backlash for days and weeks after. Reaching out to my aunt to decline, it felt good. Not because I was saying no but because the no meant I am standing by what I needed. It feels selfish because I’m so used to breaking myself for what others want. So used to thinking being of service meant doing it when it’s inconvenient, hurting myself to please them. Scared of the imaginary war I had cooked up, if I said no, trapped in my own thoughts. I don’t want to live like that anymore because it’s not authentic to who I am and what I need. It’s basically living a lie.