herlucidlife

I’ve been isolated. Expressing what I want, and need has been a huge act of courage. I know other people struggle with the same thing. Constantly putting on a pretty smile to hide the guilt, fear and anxiousness. I haven’t been praying over those I resent. When my mind gets bored it can often fester on old conversations or words that angered me. It was not until I completed step four that I realized I never fully forgave them nor myself. I for not speaking on expectations and them for not knowing what they do. For a long time, I’ve hated people for being human. We always say to forgive but it’s not until I really had to forgive people for painful things that I realize how much I need God to forgive. 

I need God to prepare my heart for letting go. I need him to help me internalize that I only hurt myself when I hold on. Crazy how unforgiveness can hold back blessings because hatred says I’m not ready yet. Side note: I’ve been thinking about smoking a tea bag. Sitting at work in the Fourier waiting for customers to appear at the check-in Thanksgiving catering point. Sitting next to rosemary plants, the aroma mimicked that of marijuana. The thoughts of using come and go like shoppers in a grocery store. Going to meetings have been difficult, my mind no longer factors them into my day and when I’m there the people sound annoying and whiny. Forcing myself to stay through the whole meeting, my sponsor challenged me to a ninety and ninety, ninety meeting in ninety days. Helps to reset the routine of daily meetings. The miracle of this program is that some of the hardest and best things have happened, life things outside of my control and I never used. I never used the pain or joy as an excuse to use drugs. 

The program works because it is God showing me that He rewires my brain to not want that thing, as long as I consistently ingest the goodness He is providing. God extends outside of the bible; He can use any tool to change lives. The tool I use brings me closer to God and myself, it gives a different deeper perspective to our relationship. Even when I do feel the urge to use, I know I do not have too. I know God loves me through the urges and He has given me a community of people to lean on, so I do not have to use. Being around people that are in recovery and do not use has been a big part of my clean lifestyle because using would hurt more than just me. In an unspoken way there is accountability and responsibility in this lifestyle and that encourages me to keep going.