herlucidlife

Life changing events happen all the time. I won’t go into detail in order to protect the person it directly affected, yet this person did ask me and other friends to help them out of the situation. I have a habit of making someone else’s problem about me in my head because I am completely powerless over the lives of others. Oftentimes I feel selfish for this mindset. Praying to God about how this person needs help, the events happened so quickly there was no time for them to tell me how to fulfill what they needed. Having no clue, researching and calling to see how to fulfill the task I finally came to the realization that very little is in my control. 

Recovery taught me that I am powerless over my disease and most things in life. Yet the idea and reality do not create the same emotions. I am gut wrenched and sick for my friend and what they are going through. I continue praying for their circumstance to change and for a change of heart in myself. I kept hitting a wall in my ability to help. I kept thinking “God should I be doing this? Am I the right person?” I could not fight this odd feeling to simply stop. Stop trying, stop doing, yet that feeling is confusing because there was a part of me that wanted to bury my head. The news was heartbreaking, mentally consumed the whole day. I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to be involved. I guilt myself into helping because I truly am a good friend while learning healthy boundaries is difficult. Affecting every single person in their circle, having spoken to their other friends, they seemed unbothered by what was going on. 

I want to run away and hide; this reaction also comes up when I feel ill equipped for what is happening or anything unexpected further proving life is out of our control. Praying to God to do what He does. I do not understand how this event fits into the plan, but I have to trust that it does. I have to trust whatever collateral damage occurs is what is supposed to happen. Thinking about what they are going through mentally and spiritually is too hard to look at. It makes the pressure behind my eyes feel heavy and the water wants to come down, but I choke it back. It’s easy to think our decisions and consequences to those decisions do not impact other people but they do. This is not a one-sided individualistic life. Selfishly there are times when I wish our lives didn’t affect others so much, but life would lose its beauty.