herlucidlife

Excuse me while I praise God for a moment with the fingers hitting the keys creating their own rhythm. Nothing is greater than knowing Him. I’ve seen Him do things in twenty-four hours that would take men years to do. I’ve seen Him heal hearts and cast anger that tries to separate us from Him. I cannot imagine life without Him. There would be no purpose to it. Curled next to me on the couch, constantly following where I go. Something so special about what I’ve learned about my relationship with God through my relationship with Mimi. Joy in His presence. Safety in knowing He is close. As I get older, I’m learning that it’s less about what He does and more about who He is. 

There have been times when I told myself lies, thinking “oh God doesn’t love me anymore because I turned to that sin again and again, even when I said it would be the last time.” Who God is had Jesus on that cross dying for every sin, especially those that keep us trapped in unhealthy sinful cycles. It’s been two and a half weeks since I threw away my vibrator. It’s been a little over a month since I stopped having sex. Though I feel good, my willpower is running out on the porn. Eating way more to cover up and deal with heavy emotions. I am practicing and using the muscle of being in God’s presence knowing that He changes me without needing to change the outward situation or circumstance. While writing the urge to watch porn is coming into my mind and body…I didn’t watch it.

Usually, I would ask God to take it away then get frustrated when it hasn’t been. I’m learning to confess it; leave it then focus on something that brings me closer to God. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t eat something to cover up the emotion of it all. God is working on that; I’ve been sensing the urge to add fasting to my weekly routine. Nothing dramatic, simply two days out of the week to refocus my spirit, mind and body. Eating is a huge struggle along with spending money. I’m under construction. Decisions are my biggest issue because they are based on covering feelings up rather than loving each emotion with God. I don’t want to shoo my emotions off like they are a burden. I want to be able to love every emotion and I need God to show me how to do that. As I write this, I want to go order fries, sit in my car and watch a YouTube video. Either way I’m going to give my best effort to do what God says. Time will pass and I don’t want to waste it.