herlucidlife

Lately I have been feeling very relaxed in my body. I’ll be sitting or walking around at work or eating and I’ll think, “wow I’m really comfortable right now.” I remember there was a time in my life when I wouldn’t go out to eat by myself. I wouldn’t go to the movies with just me. I couldn’t be in public and allow others to see me enjoying my own company. Each and everyday I am becoming more comfortable in myself. I know more about myself now than I ever did in the past. I would actively hide from myself rather than leaning forward and looking at those scary truths, which turned out not to be so scary. 

First day of my supposed fast, I pulled up to the table eager to down some good food. Walking by the lake, sun bouncing off the small ripples in the water. A sensation of peace and calm flooded my heart because I am so immensely blessed. I should be dead, broken by the consequences of my actions, but God spoke something so different over my life. The growth I interact with every day is a miracle. I am not who I used to be while being far from who I want to be. My God, this version of me is pretty spectacular because I can see God’s hand actively transforming me. 

In the beginning of Nehemiah 10 the Israelites rededicate themselves to follow God. They made a binding agreement with God to be faithful to Him only. I’ve been turning away from some really big cycles in my life that were riddled in sin. The way to find true serenity and peace with God is through repentance. Self honestly means confessing to God, to myself the exact nature of my wrongs. I don’t have to hide my past, shame loses power when God’s light is shone in the darkness.