herlucidlife

Psalms chapter two verse eleven says to “serve the Lord with reverential awe and rejoice with trembling.” I love God. Other people say that I love God. I can feel that God knows I love Him and He loves me. I also know I could love God so much deeper and fuller than I do. There’s so much more of me that God could have yet the learning curve seems to be so deep. Bills keep piling up. Never been a hustler, always did what I could with what I had. When I moved to Oklahoma I didn’t want to struggle financially. Plans circled in my head yet I didn’t execute any of those plans because bills move faster than dreams. I faltered to what I knew, got a job and stayed afloat. Just staying afloat can feel like drowning most times. 

God provides exactly what I need without fail. I won’t lie that I get scared and stressed when unexpected doctor bills pile up because the insurance I pay for decided to not cover it.  A coping mechanism is to take myself out to eat and act like I can afford things I can not. While acting like it doesn’t exist because things magically disappear. I’ve worked multiple jobs, bent over backwards to make something shake. Nothing worked, if anything it felt like I had less. Dependance on God is more important than things getting paid and they always do. God always works things out yet I would rarely experience that if I always had the money I wanted at my fingertips. 

I’ve learned to rely on God in even the smallest situations. Small does not mean insignificant, every lesson counts. I’ve really been wrestling with some of my decisions. Thinking I should’ve been stronger or had more willpower to push through my cravings. Reckless looks different for everyone, I know this is reckless behavior for me. Spending money thinking it’s okay something doesn’t get paid for, it’ll get paid next check. Or thinking God has already factored in my craziness, it’ll all work out. Absolutely it does, I torture myself thinking that way. Some of these bills I have no control over yet if my decisions were better I could actually work some of these things out more efficiently.  

This post is all over the place. Information overload, crust still on my eyes. Mimi meowing at me, I don’t know what she needs so I rub her little head to give comfort. I do my best to comfort her when I don’t feel much comfort myself in some moments. Sitting in the DMV, opening my bible, talking to God on the way here. Sometimes the comfort has to be sought out because my mind likes to forget that God is closer than the air I breathe. I needed to release, maybe I’ll get some food, my favorite way to choke down the realities of life. Till next time…