herlucidlife

Off. I could barely speak above a whisper at work, every smile felt fake. Managers ask me what’s wrong, I don’t have any words for them. Sometimes I feel so heavy when I come to my safe space. There are times when it feels too emotional, too sensitive and unappreciative. I haven’t felt well in weeks. Loneliness creeps in, sleeping too much. Eating all kinds of unhealthy food, not caring about my appearance when leaving the house. Over a week since I’ve spoken to the only man that seemed to enjoy my romantic company. I write when I’m emotional because without it I would have a really hard time identifying how I feel and the reasons behind the feelings. 

My monthly womanly duty appeared, my body more tired than usual. As I get older and relationships have failed numerous times, I tend to not obsess about not having that person or constantly looking for that person. I don’t have the mental energy to care about any of it, moreover not even myself. Waves, my mind moves in up and down motions. Lately YouTube has been populating videos centered around; “Is he the one?” “How to know if you’re dating counterfeit,” “How to know if God is preparing you for marriage,” and so on. They must be listening to my inner conversations because I never search about relationship things. I watch a handful of my favorite YouTubers, young ladies that I subscribe to. Against my judgment, I saved some of these relationship videos to my Watch Later playlist. If you know then you know once a video goes into the watch later playlist it is never to be seen again. 

In a rare occurrence, peeking interest taking a gander at two of the videos I had saved, my mind felt instantly overloaded with information and my heart began to go back in time to a love I thought was genuine. Instantly regretting listening to words that seemed not necessarily godly yet spoke to the condition of human nature. Having been on a two-week hiatus from the last guy I dated, I began feeling the peace I had felt before we’d met. Coming back around the bend wanting to speak with me, I was stern about my boundaries of having one conversation in a neutral location. Only willing to listen, his trail went cold again with no time set in place. No longer emotionally invested, I deleted the text thread, his number and kept going about my life. I do my best to guard myself from certain videos, people and places because I know they will bring my mind into lonely territory. Unfortunately, I was reckless with this one.  Even the men I don’t want seem to get the hint and leave me alone, feeling oddly unsettling because it means I am temporarily chased but never truly pursued.