herlucidlife

You know what’s crazy, all the crying I do over Z and the absence of romantic love, I don’t feel beautiful enough for it. I don’t feel at my best physically. I look good but I could look better in my eyes. I over eat to drown emotions and it’s to the point where I force myself to eat, I don’t even want to be this way anymore. I don’t feel good about myself outwardly and even though I am moving closer to being more consistent with being healthy in that area, I still have to sit with the consequences of my actions today. 

December fourteenth was the day I wrote that top paragraph. It’s so wild seeing how quickly God moves in me and around me. I no longer identify with those words. Focused and vigilant, I am at peace in my own lane. Not looking around to see what else I can distract myself with, there’s so much work to do and one day at a time with God, things are getting done. I’ve been introspective, a little secluded not out of emotional strain but out of growth and contentment with my life and who I am. I’m learning to dream again. Taking off the veil, allowing God to do miracles of various sizes. None of which are insignificant. Preparing for a vision board zoom party by a well liked Christian woman from YouTube. Right on time for me, I’ve been in deep thought as God reveals my heart to me. 

It’s time to do more, not for my evolution but for His glory. Having written some things I would like to happen in twenty twenty-five and future years to come. Riding to church God struck my heart, what I wrote was self serving and had nothing to do with His glory. Sitting on the back pew up against the wall, standing in a dimly lit sanctuary, hands outstretched to Jesus. Financial struggles began to lift from my mind, I was reminded that God surpasses every earthly trouble, it’s already been handled. Pastor Drew spoke to the truth of seeking God’s glory over our own. “What do we do with Jesus? He asked.” I began to think of how knowing Christ has changed my life so immensely, not because He’s a genie. My obedience to the work allowed space for God to sit on the throne in my life and move the chest pieces on my board. The message reconfirmed that His glory is the mark. Not for selfish gain, not in order to draw a crowd but for His glory only. 

Church let out, walking to the car wind on my skin, sun kissing my face. It’s been warmer than usual lately. Riding to the lake to spend a little more time with God alone, He continued to speak about the character of a godly person. He kept reiterating that every fruit that is produced, every seed that is sewn is only for His glory. I was so worried about exalting myself that I forgot to exalt Him only, then He can lift me in His timing. Rewriting my vision for twenty twenty-five, I wrote first of the ways of giving God glory and secondly of my dreams. Though my focus is His honor, I never want to stop dreaming out of fear that it goes against His glory. I believe my dreams will prompt me to give Him honor and praise in the most creative ways. So let’s live forever in Christ, with Christ and through Christ. 

I got things to say and life to live and Jesus gave me permission to live when He died on the cross. He gave me permission to live when His blood shed and rose on the third day. He gave me permission when He said “I’ll die for you.” He gave me permission when He began a new work in me, changing my heart. He gave me permission when He chose me.