herlucidlife

Two Years. On March sixth, twenty twenty-five I will have two years clean from all drugs. I remember the day God gave me clarity and I chose to stop using drugs. Planted on the sofa in the house my mother and I once shared together in Rockwall, Texas. Blunt between the fingers, heart sank so low it was in hell. Tears streaming down my eyes, at the end of my rope. I had nothing left to give to my disease, taking my life slowly I had nothing left. Smoke filled the room around me, mind filled with dreams of escaping life but mostly I wanted to run away from me. March sixth twenty, twenty-three God placed it in my heart. He set me free from active addiction and I’ve never looked back. Only days clean. Looking at the mirror still in prisoned I could not fathom having thirty days or six months let alone two years clean. 

One day at a time, at twenty-five days clean I found my first sponsor. We instantly clicked. I began working the steps. That’s when God showed me that He operates through more than the Bible. He placed me in this program because I needed a step by step process on how to get closer to Him. I needed help identifying what was wrong with me and how to remove it. God spear heads my recovery. Every meeting, every conversation with my sponsor, every step work session uncovers more and more of who I am. More and more I see how much God deeply loves me. Progressing through this life of recovery God has been recovering my soul. Jesus saved me on that wretched cross and He saves me every single day when He continues to cleanse me of what keeps me broken. Four months into my recovery, high off of courage I fell in love. Though I didn’t know it, he was placed in my life to be a catalyst for my departure. 

One of my biggest dreams was to leave Texas. God showed me I can do hard things when I rely on Him. Though the relationship ended, God and I started over in a new state. While clean, the wave of emotions hit me in the face. Starting over, the feelings of guilt and shame for leaving family and friends and heartbreak of a newly ended relationship. God anchored me. He brought the tools I needed to keep me grounded so I would not sink low into drugs. I was focused on staying the course. He broke things in me that no longer served me. He isolated me so I could see all I truly need is Him. He removed me so I could solely rely on Him. He rebirthed me so I call Him Abba, my Father boldly. He just isn’t God, He is my Father, my miracle worker, my caregiver, my refuge when times are hard, my joy when times are at ease. He is my everything. He is my recovery.

Healthier than I’ve ever been. Chains are breaking, prison doors are open, each step toward the door. I truly am free! I used to be so scared to live and enjoy my life with just me. I no longer live to impress others, because I impress myself. God sees more than I ever could, healing feels like being healed. He is the only reason I am two years clean, with a soul that’s creating fullness and awareness that is keeping me from falling into older patterns. Looking back, coming onto the eve of my two year anniversary…God we did it!!