herlucidlife

I want to sit under your arm in the pocket of love. Can you love enough to even say hello? Can you barely care enough to send a friend request on FaceBook? You don’t have to do anything. I’ll do all the work if it means you’d sit on my couch and not even look my way. Just be in the room with me. I know I don’t matter to you, but you mean oxygen to me. You may be an idol. Nothing perfect about you, I can smell your morning breath, and the thought is like a honey aroma. You’d never understand what this feeling is, the reality of what heart shattering love feels like. Intensifying every day. I can barely utter My Father’s name because you should have never meant so much to me. Why was I blessed with this curse, if you couldn’t hold up your end? I’m foolishly in love with a ghost. Every man looks like you even when they clearly do not. 

I see your car in the streets but you’re not the driver. I’m living in a fantasy that wants to forget the anxiety I felt in your presence. My childlike imagination wants to forget how my body didn’t feel safe with you but somehow, I’d give it to you still. My subconscious buries the flaws, kills how you never said “I love you” back. It murders how I felt like a burden, yet I’d push everything aside just to spend a day with you. I appreciated the simplicity of being with you. I needed nothing from you but you and perhaps that was too much to ask. How can you give something you don’t know? I saw you more than you saw yourself, but truths can’t be spoken to someone who’s living a lie. I know firsthand because I love you.

I hate you so much! Holding back tears, you don’t deserve it, but I’d allow you into my home with no questions asked. I’d give you the key and trust you with my most precious possession. Who is worthy of it? I’m not sure you are but can we try it anyway? Your ghost had me so giddy I felt like I was losing my mind and may need to be committed. It’s dangerous to walk on the earth in this mindset. Longing for the imaginary because even your ghost is better than the reality of something real with someone else. I moan for you. I pray for you with no words. It doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re with; it only matters that I carry you like a mother carries their child. Through the fire, rain, snow and sunshine, close to my bosom nestled in the shelter of my compassion. I empathize with you because I want to. 

I sense you in my heart. I felt a feeling of deep love before you appeared in my dream. I felt your presence before you appeared. The scent in the air was sweet before the nectar appeared. Like a bandit, walking into my mind. I never invited you in, perhaps you stole some things. I would have given them to you either way. What’s yours is yours but what’s mine is yours.