herlucidlife

Pumping through me like the blood in my veins. Washing over me like hot water from the shower. Bathing me like the warm sun on a cool day. Swept away like a light breeze pouring into the backseat of a grand marquis. Tugging at me like a dog playful pulling on its owner’s clothes. Something won’t let me stop writing about you. My skin cries for your hands. My mind yearns for your conversation. My ears ache for your voice. My fingers crave the sensation of your flesh. My arms lust for your body in between. My legs moan for you to lay your weight down until we fall asleep, wrapped tight. My soul hungers to hear your thoughts on these dreams. Can I be taken if no one claims me? Can I be yours even if you don’t want me? I’ll sit in the back unnoticed, just let me be close. I itch for you yet nothing and no one satisfies. 

Plenty of men. I’ve tried to blot you out, yet you remain in me even stronger than before. I do my best to focus on my lane, growth is definitely occurring. Better than I was before. I want to be better with you. Is my heart hurting simply so I can make great love stories and nothing more? If so then I’ll be okay with that too, as long as I get to keep the fantasy alive. You can live here on my page while I do my best to live in reality. My Sweet, treasured beyond words. Fear of loving you almost made me bold in my own faith. You played with me like a yo-yo only for your entertainment, never truly cared for…was it all a game? or did you get scared? The thought to mishandle you never crossed my mind. Loved with care like a newborn first entering the world. Can you tell my hurt is in a way of excruciating pain? How do you remove it without completely yanking out my heart? Lord, can I have a new heart because this one is broken. 

The capacity to love, to lust, to crave is beyond my human mind. The action of it does not even begin to make a footprint in reality. I crave something that does not exist with you. Why? Can it be removed? It’s been two years and longing for you has created nothing but continued heartache. When will I stop killing myself slowly with the image of your body? When will the murder end? Will it end when I die, and you continue to live acting like I was worth nothing. The dirt you walk on meant more to you than my heart. Why couldn’t I see it! Why can’t I still not see it? Lord lifts the veil because something doesn’t feel right inside. I’m doing my best to have the faith to let go but at the moment it seems the only faith I have is to keep holding on. Onto what? The tasty imagination of your voice and lips on my neck or the way everyday seals the fact I never mattered and never will.  Answer me…please, I need to know so I can do something more than what I’m doing.  

It’s okay. I’m okay with the blood on the floor. It makes for a better canvas on those days when I forget God is good whether we breathe the same air or not. This isn’t a love story rather a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Father, please make it beautiful because I’m struggling to see the light. Can it really be that our story ends there? I don’t want to believe it, but the reality of his absence says I have too. Don’t I?