herlucidlife

I have been praying for courage lately. God gave me a lesson in courage because something was on the unseen horizon. Let’s paint the picture because it wasn’t what I expected until I was in it…

Looking at a beautiful young man for months, an employee at the gym I go to. I was doing my best to not see only what I wanted to see but to sit in the reality of my emotions and not create a narrative for the other person. The smell of the gym wafting into my nostrils, filling my lungs, sweat dripping down my forehead. Heart beating fast, muscles burning in my arms. My eyes cut to my next male interest that would soon be the instrument in a new practice. Having had a dream, talking to my friend about the dream and the interest. I had been praying for days on whether I should say something to this young man, because I no longer want to move unintentionally when it comes to dating. 

Chit chatting with my friend, he encouraged me to say something. I truly believe this was God preparing my mind to be bold and courageous. God knows me and He knows what will drive me to speak up. The day came when I committed to speaking with this young man. Thinking about what I was going to say all day; I did my best to not focus on the outcome but more so on what I needed to do. The outcome was out of my control, I learned that by not focusing on the outcome I walked in with no expectations meaning no resentments were created. Pulling up to the gym Monday evening after work. I had planned to speak with him before I began my workout, but that did not happen. Another reminder that things happen in God’s timing and plan, not mine. 

Halfway through my workout, he walks through the door ready for work. Immediately I felt nervous, and my legs felt like jelly. I was more nervous about saying something than I was about his response. Completing my workout, walking back to the locker room with an anxious energy in my bones. Making my way to the desk on my way out, not feeling my most pretty. Looking back, I realize having courage is not about looking my best but it’s about knowing Who allows me to be my best. Finally looking at his face, so nervous I deflected and asked about protein instead, having received a good look at his face, I talked myself out of saying anything. Walking back to the car, I felt a little defeated because I didn’t say what I needed to say. Having thought about it all weekend, there was no way I could go home without saying anything, keeping myself in that mental loop would be torture. 

Sitting in the car talking with God, He brought to my attention that speaking was never about obtaining the guy. It was about practicing obedience, courage and boldness. Going back into the gym, long story short the guy ended up being in a relationship. I had to laugh on the way back to the car because God really used a guy to give me a practice lesson. God also taught me there are answers on the other side of courage. Though I felt embarrassed because of rejection, I felt very empowered. I knew it was something God wanted me to do because I was not upset over the outcome, it almost didn’t even matter once I realized it was not about the guy. 

Little did I know I would need that level of courage, obedience and boldness down the line for something that was not a test but the real thing. I’ll share later; God was gracious in giving me a test before the real thing.