herlucidlife

God says He understands my thoughts before they are formed into words. He understands them from far away. He understands why you come into my mind when I read His words. He understands why I listen for your footsteps approaching my front door. He understands why you are in my heart when I’ve prayed so many times to get rid of you. I do my best to escape you, yet you show up everywhere I turn. My thoughts hold you captive. Every man I see reminds me of you in some way. Sunday. Sunny with a wind chill of thirty degrees, cozy in my warm apartment. Mimi is playing hide and seek behind my laptop screen, such a playful little cat. Rubbing the side of her face on the screen. I could feel you in my mind in no particular way. I woke up with you there. No dream was needed for you to find the path into my brain. 

Frazzled, anxious on the way to meet a friend for lunch. Money floating on my mind having forgotten about a couple bills, life is shifting yet somehow you bring a peace I’ve never experienced before. Catching up over good food, bellies full upon leaving the restaurant, I could feel you. Have you ever been in love with a ghost? You ghosted me so I could love Casper. You released me because God said it needed to happen. Driving home, peace, talking to myself in the car about what, I don’t know. I could feel your energy as I read scripture. I hate to love you. I hate the thought of you bringing calm into my body. Incent lit, Mimi resting on the carpet, belly lifted to the ceiling. I couldn’t help but miss the bible studies we did together. But God. He reminded me that He knows and understands me better than anything or anyone. 

Tears forming, God understands when I cry over you, He understands why I just can’t seem to let go. He understands why every man reminds me of you. He understands my heart. So, I allow you to sit until the thought of you removes itself and I come back into reality. Why would God give me such a crazy faith to think you would come back more healed? Am I faithful or delusional? Every time Mimi stops and looks at the door I think, is it happening now? I feel like a deluded woman walking around with an illness but aren’t we all sick in our own ways. I’m heart sick, can I really in my own power keep something alive that is dead? Because I believe only God can bring dry bones back to life, so why have these bones not dried up?