herlucidlife

Fourteen cents in my account. Two dollars in coins. I felt like a fiend when I saw the sale price for chips had ended. Running out the store to retrieve my last fifty cents. I felt jittery like I did when I wasn’t able to get my last smoke. I felt anxious like I used to when the weed lady said she wasn’t selling that night. Calming down on the way home, rinsing the day off. I feel out of my mind. I stopped spending my last on drugs and then started spending my last on junk food. Killing myself in the gym. Eating healthy yet there are some many gaps. Unmanageability looks like trying to control everything instead of letting God do what He does. It looks like me not sticking to the plan He set out for the day. I began getting in my head and messing things up when God had already told me what to do.

He lays the path straight, maybe a part of trusting the process is seeing how my self-will messes up the path, reaping the consequences so I can then let go. I love my life today; I am way better than I used to be. When I asked God to bring up things that were not like Him, He brought me to this program, I was begging God to set me free from myself. My soul has been saved yet I could not figure out how to get away from myself. God began showing me it’s not about getting away from myself, it’s about getting away from the mentality that keeps me from Him. I always thought it was the actions but really, it’s my decision making that is jacked up. I make emotional, impulsive decisions based on temporary discomforts. I look for money and food to grant me a distraction from emotional discomfort. 

I know exactly Who to go to and I do yet I haven’t reached my rock bottom in this area of my life just yet, nor do I want to. I would like to get the lesson before things become really out of control. What trips me out is God’s grace has already factored in my weakness; doesn’t mean I am going to stop doing the work. Yet. It’s good to know that God is not just bringing things to light but He’s allowing everything to work for my good. I remember there was a time when I didn’t really care about how I ate, I only wanted to look a certain way. Believe me I’m still doing my best to get over being skinny, I really want to be healthy and feel healthy and strong. Physically some days I feel there and others I feel so far away.

If I feel physically exhausted, then I am also mentally exhausted as well. I’m tired of constantly thinking and calculating because I spend the last dollar. The issue is not the budget, it’s me. The problem is not the amount of money, it’s me. The roadblock is not the material, it’s me. I am using the resources wrong which further creates the emotional pain inside. God, please give me strength as You continue to teach me how to lean on You through ALL things.