herlucidlife

I felt like I was doing so good in letting you go. Somehow I allowed you to slip back into my mind. Holding way too much space, I kept repeating “I’ve let you go. I am free of you. I have released your energy and I am walking in freedom.” So why? Why does it feel like you’ve come back stronger with a vengeance? I’ve allowed way too much of my mind to sit on you and now my brain is comfortable with you. The thought of you brings more comfort than pain. More calm than storms. More love than hate. I still look for you in the shadows of my heart. I see you standing over there, trying to go unnoticed. I’ve let go and picked you back up so many times. Yet you have never picked me back up. I’ve spent the last couple of years picking up the pieces of my heart. 

No help from you, cowardly you tried to manifest me back into your life. Crazy how I can feel your energy and still not do anything to invite you into my life. I’ve worked too hard moving past you and somehow you find me every single time. You hold me tightly in your thoughts and dreams yet never make a move in real time. You’ve done nothing to make me feel seen by you, hiding behind emotions, isn’t love supposed to be an action? So where are yours? I’ve done so many actions you knew I loved you because every word and behavior said so. My heart was on the table but you walked away like it was trash. You walked away like it meant nothing. You walked away like you could find better and I hope you have. Because Lord knows I yearn for someone better than you, better than not leaving. 

So why can’t I shake you? Why do I marvel at the thought of you? Secretly praying you’ll make an appearance. Lord, how crazy am I to want the very person that broke my heart? I must be losing it, thinking that people can change. I’ve changed so much in these years but how I feel about you has not changed at all. I don’t want you but I ask for you. I don’t need you but I hold you in my heart gently. I don’t love but I pray for you longingly. I don’t wish pain but blessing and joy because I would never wish on you what you’ve put me through. I do my best to end the torture, it’s so hard when I’ve become comfortable with simply a thought. 

I’ve been able to continue our relationship in thought and if I let it go I will absolutely have nothing. I can’t have you in real life so having you in the dreams was the next best thing. Yet if I let you go there then I definitely will have no part of you. It’s more than not having you, it’s the reality that I wouldn’t even have you as an idea anymore. I’m so willing to lower what I need that I’d rather have you in theory than not at all. Is it pathetic or simply honest? Either way it does not change the fact that I gave my heart away and I’m still doing my best to gain it back. Sometimes I feel healed while other times it feels like I’m barely crawling. I don’t even know if I want you in my life forreal because the theory is so sweet, what if reality couldn’t live up to it? 

Regardless you aren’t here to reassure me, goodness knows you were never good at reassurance. Instead I’ll keep moving forward and in time my mind will erase all memory of you but until then I’ll dream well.