herlucidlife

I have no clue what to say but somehow my heart feels heavy with you in mind. I still dream of you coming around even though I know you don’t love me. I can see you coming up the stairs even though I know it won’t happen. I talk to God about you coming around even though I pray He blocks everything. Sometimes I’m not sure what I want. Do I want to hold on or truly believe in someone new? Going back and forth in my heart, no one is here. Dreams don’t mean you’re here, the only people in my apartment are God, I and my cat. 

Honestly, the thought of seeing you in real time scares me. The thought of loving someone new scares me too. I’m scared to be known for me. The work is being done, everyday I rise I give my best effort to make the healthiest decisions I can to move forward and to be better. Though some days are easier than others, I know God is good. With love growing for, I’m still scared to be seen and known by a man..by the man God has for me. I prayed in my heart that was you but I know it’s not and that’s okay. I’m learning to let go even when I don’t want to.

I was hoping you’d be all that I’d prayed for. Seeing a young man at my job, my mind wonders “mmm maybe?” Cute, well dressed, big smile, seemingly outgoing. I wonder, then push it out of my mind because as new hires we’re both doing our best to get our footing in a new place. Never knowing what folks go home too, I’m moving with empathy in mind. I carry a lot on my shoulders everyday, thank God He carries the heaviest load. It still doesn’t remove the yearning for someone to love and for someone to love me. The very thing I’m scared of is what I desire deeply. I want to be loved but don’t really want to give the time to build a deep relationship. I feel overwhelmed with just the simple mundane things in life let alone adding a new romance, no matter the stage. 

I’m overthinking it, I want me some good lovin! This doesn’t sound like a love story as more of a love rant. Either way if you know a beautiful godly black man that’s single send him over… I joke! For real though, I think I’m ready. Actually I don’t know if i’m ready, now I really don’t feel ready. I wonder if I’m thought of? Desired the way I desire them? I have hope that I will know and see and in due time my heart will be met with the love God has for me. I won’t have to wonder or think or force, it’ll happen exactly how it’s supposed to. I know it will.