herlucidlife

By God’s grace I made it through. Having seen you way too much in my dreams, the weekend was very difficult. Mentally struck with exhaustion from all the brain power I gave to you. I’ve been praying to be released from you but you weren’t removed. Instead I experienced the sufficiency of God’s grace. I care about you and I love you. I can never see you again, not even in my dreams. I never want to lay a thought on you again. Yet even in that, you are stuck to my mind way more than I would ever imagine. I’ve been praying for almost two years to be free of these feelings for you. Some months are better than others yet you’re never fully removed. 

I haven’t seen you in years yet I can see you so clearly. Vivid, the guy I loved is gone. You are not who I thought, you weren’t even who you’d hoped to be. Pretending, wearing a mask, I believed the act. I never knew you were hiding your true self, it never occured to me that your intentions weren’t pure. Mine were so real, my only intent was to love you and I did with all my being. It was never enough for you because you weren’t looking for love, but something else. I won’t act like I know you at all because I do not. I love a figment of your imagination. None of it was real, my mind knows it and yet I continue to hold out hope that maybe God will change your heart. I hold out hope that just maybe the next time could be different. I don’t believe it.

I pray over you, for your healing, for your protection, for whatever God lays on my heart to whisper. I’ve asked Jesus to pray for you because I have no clue what you need. I have no clue how my love was not enough for you. But everyday I get better, I walk through this heartbreak like a warrior. Holding God’s hand, one foot in front of the other, I keep moving along without you. My heart was once shattered and now it only feels crippled. Dreaming of you sets me back emotionally, it makes it difficult to forget you. It makes walking through this life so hard because I do my best everyday to sprint away from you. Then I’m pulled back against my will. I love you but I do not want to be with you. Though, these words go against all the other letters I’ve written. I was so deep in my emotions swept away by subconscious yearnings, I had to release. 

In a better frame of mind I see so clearly you were a counterfeit. Meaning nothing but harm, trying to hide the wolf under sheepskin. You couldn’t hide it anymore and that’s okay. I wasn’t devoured like you’d hoped. God made me stronger than you’d thought and you weren’t ready for it. I won’t lie, I got tripped up and gave myself to someone else after you broke my heart months before. Not again! Tainted, stained, ran over, left for dead. That kind of behavior is cruel, ice cold and must be answered for. You’ll never apologize but instead be a coward and hide behind the power of these dreams. Dreams are a form of communication through the spiritual world. I’m not talking to you but you’re talking to me. 

I no longer want to listen, and I pray God blocks anything from you. You’re dangerous and I want no parts of it.