herlucidlife

You showed up again in my dreams but you were busy. I couldn’t get to you. Preoccupied, I could only watch you from afar. Giving your sister ideas on a portrait you wanted her to paint, I sat in the distance gazing at you. Laughing and talking with your family, I watched as you talked on the phone handling business. I couldn’t get to you. Enjoying your family in this huge cabin, doing activities and cooking. I loved knowing you were close but not close enough to fully receive. I’m doing my best to figure out what God is showing me here, is it not yet or is it not with this person? Or is it even God at all?

I found myself being consumed with the thought of you. In the past I’ve been able to block you out but as the dreams come more frequently, without my doing it’s becoming more difficult to shut you out. Scrolling down my YouTube timeline, I see all these videos of “He’s the One” or “God is showing you your spouse.” It feels so odd because I’ve never looked into videos with such topics. I could not get to you in my last dream and I didn’t want to. It was odd seeing you from such a close distance but our lives were not meeting. I’ve always asked God to remove you from my mind and I do my best to keep moving forward and bring my attention to reality. 

My goodness! How can I possibly love someone that left me? High and dry, no notice just gone! I don’t feel stupid yet the situation of it all feels so diabolical. I laid in a dream state for most of the day, resting my body and eyes. I needed an escape that was beneficial. Cleaning the house, jamming to music, eating some leftovers while watching YouTube. You were there. I say “you were there” very lightly because it’s more so my mind not being able to let you go. I’ve not heard from you in almost two years, so you’ve done nothing to lead me on. 

I was doing so well! The dreams were minimal at best and the bounce back was in a matter of days. I had finally detached. What happened?! Was I not careful enough at guarding my mind? Is God bringing you back up? I don’t want to assign God’s name to this mess because it feels so exhausting. I’m proud of myself because what I have not done is try to insert myself into your life. Staying in my lane, focused on what I need to be doing. I’m relying on God before anything else. I know He loves me just as much as He loves you. He takes care of me just as much as He takes care of you. 

I continue to pray for you and your life and every single person in your life. I have to give you to God if I’m going to be set free. God knows deep down I want you to be in my life for as long as He says. It hurts to think that time was up years ago and I’ll never have that with you. Please God give me the strength to let go! I don’t want to torture myself any longer.