herlucidlife

Staying is scarier than leaving. Leaving is harder than staying. And loving is excruciating knowing you’ll never love me back. I say the word “never” softly because God knows I pray for the opposite. It’s all in His plan, God heard what you said about me when I was not around. God saw what you did when I was not in your presence. God knows it all, He knows the real reason you left me. No goodbye, no notice, just gone. Vanished like smoke in a dark sky, you left me in the middle of a Thursday afternoon. I worried about you for days, weeks and months after. Until it clicked you weren’t coming back…and even still I live in some horrible universe where you aren’t here. 

I’ve lived through the most painful kind of grief yet your abandonment takes the highest reward. You dealt a painful blow to my heart, I’m not sure I’m fit to love again. Intense agony pours over my mind when you enter. Stepping out the shower with you on my mind, going through old memories I began laughing. Immediately letting you go I joke to myself, “I may start crying if I don’t stop laughing.” You slipped away long enough for me to go through my night peacefully. You don’t creep back, I bring you back. Once my mind has brought you up, she doesn’t like to let go. 

I love being in love with you. Regardless if you’re here or not something special sits in my gut when I think of you. How do I keep walking with trust in God? I ask Father what to do and He says, “Keep focusing on you.” I ask Him to give me a sign, He says “keep working on you.” I ask God, “Is he okay? Let him know he’s thought of.” I hear God saying, “keep doing what you’re doing.” I know God is working things out, whether it’s between you and I or something completely different. I know God’s plans are always good. So I keep doing what He says. The biggest gift is the dream because God organized distance in real time, so who is organizing the meeting in the spiritual realm of our subconscious? 

You see me like I see you. Maybe not in the same dream yet I’ve been to your doorstep in more ways than one. I say this heavily with all the emotion in my being, I hope I haunt you the way you haunt me. I hope I show up in your mind and ruin your whole day. I hope it happens without your doing and I hope I stick to you so tough you can barely get through your day without having to pray the same prayer of release. I hope you lie awake at night plagued by the memories. I want you physically healthy, whole and blessed in absolutely every area of your life. When the night sky brings the stars home, the moments of life are hushed to a light humming whisper, I hope I scream in your mind louder than thunder on a storming night. 

You deserve the same heartaching torture I hold in between my shoulders. I hope you walk around seeing the beauty of me in other women. I hope when you look at them you can’t help but be brought back into the reality of who I was to you. Nothing can happen that will allow you to escape the presence of me in your mind. No amount of prayer has offered me peace from you, so why should you have any? I did nothing wrong yet I’m tortured. You created unbearable dread for someone you supposedly love, there’s no way you can live bright eyed and bushy tailed. Perhaps I’m bitter, I’ll own it if so. Is heartbreak the same as bitterness? Or do they somehow have the same mother of torment?