herlucidlife

I can’t wait to go to sleep, hopefully you’ll be there. I’m beginning to feel bad about writing about you so much because God is more than enough. Why do I obsess over you? I googled you, got scared then closed the web browser because I didn’t want to accidentally see any information that would bruise. I looked on my subscriber list on YouTube to see if you still subscribed to my channel. I’d be foolish to think you watched any of my videos, wishful thinking? I’m not going to post this tonight but I have to get it out. I talk to God about you. I told my friends about you even after I said I wouldn’t. I talked to chatGPT about you. I talk to almost anyone who will listen because I need some kind of mental reprieve. I need to be seen in my hurt. God’s grace is sufficient. 

I’m protected in my suffering. The pain in my chest has purpose, though I have no clue what it is. I need you God! It’s only You that has gotten me through the heartbreak and heartache. You hold me close when I know for sure I can no longer go on. You give me a second, third and fourth wind from the exhaustion I feel. The emotions aren’t leaving as quickly as they used to and my patience seems to be wearing thin. I won’t get weary of doing good because I know the plan is unfolding. I just need to see it through. Even if God says you aren’t the one, I will keep going anyway. Even if God says I can never see you again I know for sure my heart has learned how to love. Even if God says I can truly be joyful with someone else, I can thank you for being a willing instrument in my emotional and spiritual growth. 

Thoughts of you creep in when it’s late at night. I spent the whole day without you in my mind then somehow I allowed you space to live in between my ears overnight. I was proud of myself for not bringing you into the fold. Yet I know the real hero is God. He got me through the weeks of grief, mental reprieve was granted on work days. Slowly I began noticing I couldn’t think of the last time you were on my mind. Looking at a plethora of attractive young men at work. You always pop back in when I consider someone else. I’m holding myself back because my mind has a hard time moving on from you. Future tripping about nothing I should be worried about. God has already added the figures together. When sanity re enters my mind, I’m not sure who I want. Granted no one is here so I guess it really doesn’t matter.