herlucidlife

I was doing so good letting you go. I feel myself allowing you to creep in when I get out of the shower after a long day. Creeping in when I see a little piece of you in every guy I come in contact with. Crawling in every single time I stand on my balcony, watching little Mimi roam and sniff. I still look for you when I cut the corner to my apartment hoping you’re standing there waiting for me. Deep down I know it’s wishful thinking but that’s all I have, is a wish. I let you back in, I was doing so well. You came to me in a dream once more this week, yet this time I didn’t fixate on your presence. I don’t remember what the occasion was about, nor can I recall why your presence was needed in my subconscious mind. 

I moved on without you stuck in my mind. You only show up late at night after a long day of work. Stupid to think you’d ever be back. Crazy to assume that I’m thought of the way I think of you. Pathetic to hope that you love me the way I love you still. Yet nothing. I keep my distance out of fear of being hurt, while I have no clue why you keep your distance. Some things may never be known but I do know whatever is happening will be for my good. I never understand why these emotions for you have not died. Continuing to torture myself, thinking of you it’s the reason they say love hurts. It hurts to have loved and lost. It’s excruciating to have loved and to never receive again with you. 

Sitting on my chest, seated in my heart, prettier than I remember. There’s nothing more I could do but let you sit there looking precious because wow! Mind blowing how a memory can keep the heart beating for years down the road. Nothing better than being able to witness your limbs prancing through the imaginary avenue in my mind. I love writing about you, it brings great joy expressing the care and concern I have for you. I marvel at the pleasure of bringing you up to God. Whispering your name to The Most High King is one of the greatest privileges in my life. I can’t let go or perhaps I won’t let go. I ask God, “Do I have too?” And the truth is I don’t have too but I do have to accept the consequence of holding onto an invisible man. 

You are not here and you were never here. You weren’t authentic when we were together and you pretended to care. How can I hold onto a being that never loved me. Normal people would’ve moved on by now, what’s so broken in my mind that it won’t get the hint. Things have to change or I’ll be stuck in a rut of my own making. Manifesting, I don’t believe in it. I never brought you up in my dreams, I was moving forward, moving on without you, somehow I was brought back into this hell. Fighting against you on my knees in prayer, I pray for your well being while also pleading to be set free of you. How can I pray for you and against you all at the same time? How can I love you and never want to see you in the same breath? How can I yearn for you yet never want to dream of you again? 

I long for you to walk up my apartment staircase while praying God sends someone else. I pray for you while praying God brings a new blessing into my life. For whatever reason you’re here. I’m doing my best to not fight against love and simply accept it. Nothing has worked, so I walk around with you folded into my bosom protected from being removed. Okay, I’ll let you stay.