herlucidlife

Sitting across the room, passively looking at you in the debrief meeting. The last debrief meeting of training. Finally hitting a groove at work. I tried to hide that I was looking while hoping you’d catch my gaze. You did. A little nervous excitement filled my mind. I carried so many thoughts down the road as we all left work. Thoughts traveling with me down the highway, through my workout, and home during the shower, in the midst of my NA meeting. I allowed you to sit on the shelf in my mind. Watching you from afar, you’re someone I’d like to take off the shelf and read, cover to cover. Interested, I hope you are. Then boom. 

Flashes of the old one pop into my mind. I no longer want you yet the past experience has made me leery. Is any guy the right guy? Will I always think there could be someone better? Or is that simply the trap of modern day dating. I alway say there’s nothing better, simply different. Sometimes someone else’s difference can fit better. I yearn for something different. The sad thing is I’m scared of being caught in another toxic web because I once again allowed the wrong guy admission. I hear all the time, “don’t allow men access.” I want the right man to have all rights to me, I want to hold nothing back from him. How do I know? I’ve ignored that gut feeling so many times just to end up deeply hurt and unfortunately hurting someone else too. 

Nerve shattering, mind boggling terror because in those times I thought I knew, I was dead wrong. In those moments, when I thought I had found the guy, he ended up being counterfeit. Do I always have to be on guard? Constantly making sure red flags aren’t popping out the ground. I tend to overlook red flags in hopes of collecting green flags. I give the benefit of the doubt to end up feeling confused and unsure. Just in my head, I hope you know nothing has happened. The most exciting part of attraction is simply catching the glimpse of another and holding it in my mind until another encounter. It’s not getting the phone number, not even the first date or first kiss. It’s the sweet gentleness of unspoken energies being transferred. 

Known not spoken. Seen not heard. Felt but invisible. Touched without being fondled, it sits on the mind like a bird nestled in its nest. Tender, the thrilling part is it can be gone in a flash or explode into a raging fire that can not be contained. Moves don’t have to be made, a dance, a little two step, life seems to control the reigns. It happens naturally when it’s supposed to. Not that it’s written in the cards, but man wouldn’t it be nice if we got caught in the stairwell. You asked my name and for some reason it stuck in your mind like glue. Couldn’t escape the thoughts, the moment, I too festered on the aura you create. Deep in our skin, embedded in this life, we are separate but somehow I feel things bringing us closer. 

Or maybe these are just words from a heart yearning for love, yet cautiously watching from the side lines.