herlucidlife

My heart became so heavy at the realization that I do not have a healthy awe of God. I do not tremble in His presence and I do not tremble at His Word. At work reading week one day four of “The Awe of God,” a ton of bricks hit me in my chest. I couldn’t read the book anymore that night because the weight of this truth hurt my heart so much so I had to pull myself into the bathroom. Repentance. I had to apologize to God because I do not interact with Him in a way that portrays a true awe for God. I didn’t cry or weep yet the weight has been substantial. I thought I was doing it right and found that I wasn’t bringing reality into view. Do I speak of God the way He wants? Do I worship Him the way He wants in my daily life? Am I truly being a good daughter to my Father? 

I always come to God in a manner that seems too relaxed, thinking that’s how a daughter comes boldly before her Father. I was allowing my thinking to keep me from further understanding God. My mind roams when I pray, I lose focus when I read His word. What a good Father that He would allow this truth to hit my heart that we may work on it together. God has been leading me to Him so much closer and deeper than I ever thought. Though I read, pray and go to bible study something in our relationship still felt shallow. Constantly distracted, always looking for someone or something outside of God. Honestly, I have no clue how to gain this healthy trembling for God but I’m absolutely going to find out with Him. I believe He will teach me how to love Him and interact in our relationship in an obedient way. 

With this revelation has come so much broken heartedness. I felt myself withdrawing from God because I was scared to offend Him with the way I came. I felt God tell me, “I’d rather you come to me in an odd way than not come to me at all.” I began returning to God. I was getting into my head about the way I was coming to God, I never want overthinking to keep me from Him. It has in the past and it led me deeper into my self-will. I love being in God’s presence, reading His word and though there are days when I struggle with stepping into His light. I deeply missed coming to Him for those days. Valued. God knows the hairs on my head. He thinks of me more than I could ever comprehend. Being valued by God is more than my mind can understand. I constantly dull my value, constantly looking at myself through the lens of physical attraction. 

God looks at my soul through the blood of Jesus. He helps me to value my body by presenting it as a living sacrifice. There are times I criticize myself so harshly, I don’t believe God ever looks at me with the hate I look at myself. God gives more grace than I could ever imagine, I barely give myself grace because I will take advantage. I’m not all I want to be but by the grace of God I’m way more than I thought I could be. The value He puts on my life is the reality I need to get through days when my self esteem is scraping the floor. His thoughtfulness is the life raft I need to swim through moments when confidence is underneath a worm’s belly. God loves me more than I could ever love myself. One day at a time He is showing me just how great the weight of His love is.