herlucidlife

I felt self conscious all day, holding my stomach in so as to not look bloated. Constantly thinking of myself as something good to look at when I am so much more than skin. Anxious thoughts running wild, the energy racing underneath my skin. I couldn’t shake the feeling all day. Felt like I put myself on display in my outfit even though I loved every piece of clothing. Showing a little figure, something I’m not used to showing. I tend to hide my body because I’m scared of what people may think. When really people think nothing at all, it’s more so I’m fearful of my own thoughts. God says to not be fearful, so how come the most fearful thing are the thoughts in my own head? 

Staying the course today. I brought my healthy snacks to work, and did not purchase any additional food. I’m proud of myself for doing exactly what I planned. Self esteem and confidence has always been something I’ve struggled with. Self love has always been a very distant cousin. Rarely visiting, and very quiet when it decided to show up. Yet doing what I told myself I was going to do has been a huge gift in this area. I never trusted myself, in the past I could not rely on myself to do the healthy and right thing. Those decisions made it easy to nit pick and talk down, disappointment  in who I was grew the chasm even wider between myself and I. Then I began to change. 

Slowly over time I began to stay consistent and do the work. Gradually, I stopped making excuses and began making ways. Ways to do the healthy thing, ways to make room for God to show up in my life. I no longer wanted to be comfortable, I wanted to grow. I began letting go of things that no longer served me. It really wasn’t me letting go but it was The Holy Spirit within that allowed me the power to let go. Looking at the track record is very important. I was scared to “miss out” when really I was killing myself slowly. The only thing I’m missing out on is the life God has for me if I keep living against His will. My will has killed me a thousand times over and eventually it will kill me physically…if I allow it.

Today I do my best to go against the grain, go against society, go against my evil desires. The devil never made me do it, I made me do it. The sin was all my fault! I take responsibility for every dirty, disgusting, heinous, self centered behavior I did and I give it to God daily. Asking humbly for cleansing. Every time God with a gentle and Holy grace meets me. God is Holy. God is perfect and with that I die at the thought of His power. I die at the mention of His strength. I never want to become so comfortable with God that I sin in front of Him, openly again. I remember when I was so deep in my sin I was okay knowing I was hiding from people, I could never hide from God. The arrogance I had and still partake in. I should have died by His hand because my sin warranted punishment. Instead Jesus died willingly but make no mistake He did not want to. Jesus died out of obedience to His Holy Father. I was saved through the innocent blood of Jesus. I was set free through His redeeming blood. I call Jesus my Lord and Savior, His Father is now my Holy Father. 

I do my best to come to Him with the respect worthy of The King because He is The Most High.