herlucidlife

I felt a heaviness all day. Picking my body apart, hidden underneath it all was you. Alive and well in my dreams, I felt used by you. I felt like nothing more than a sexual object. No love, just lust from you. Tucked away in my childhood home, in the bedroom I grew up in, layed you and I. At the end of the bed, emotions swirling in my body. You weren’t very nice, only reaching for me to fill physical needs. I felt like an annoying burden. Unloved but wanted physically. Tolerated but not liked. I’d never been so hurt in a dream with you before. The first dream I have of you since declaring to God that you have been removed. Lately God has been showing the motives of my actions, I wondered if He was showing me your motives as well. 

Motives and intentions can go hidden when the outward seems good. I never questioned you because the perception looked godly, while God was trying to tell me the actual you meant no good. You cared more about perception and forgot about the real you. I wanted to love the actual you while I was only getting the surface level good behavior. Putting myself on the line, you couldn’t fake not being interested unless it was something you could twist to bring attention back on you. I never knew I was only tolerated. God is healing me from you. For some reason the emotion sits on my mind, tucked in the background always present yet not always seen. 

Going through the day, I struggle with self esteem. I wanted you to fill the void, fill the lack of love I felt for myself. Yet I can’t get love from someone who didn’t care for me. Looking at my body as an object, it seems the dream was not only about you but about how I see myself. I allowed myself to be used in hopes the behavior would change, it didn’t. Love never grew, it turned to indifference. The good actions changed into a mask falling off exposing the wolf underneath. I thought you were a sheep looking to follow God when you really wanted people to follow you. You were hoping I would be the next in line, God snatched the cord quickly. 

So why were you on my mind? Tough, grief, why would I still continue the thought of you possibly coming back into my life? I didn’t want to write about these emotions because sometimes it doesn’t seem worth it. I don’t love you, yet my heart hopes God is changing you like He is me. Deep roots are broken in my soul because I would allow you to use me when I knew it was for self gain. I was only a pon in your game. Perhaps God is using these emotions to keep me still, in order to grow me passed and away from you. Away from the hurt that keeps me bound to someone who deep down hated me. I won’t lie, I hated myself back then. The opposite of love is hate and I was wallowing in it, thinking you could be a life raft. 

My heart still hurts. It seems stupid and my brain knows the logic has left the room. Some heartbreak makes sense but after a while it should end, so why hasn’t this?