herlucidlife

Hurt. Revelations being seen and known. I don’t want to be honest because I’m scared of my own emotions. None of it makes sense. Emotions, feeling absolutely hurt waking up from the dream I had. You were there behaving like I had never seen before. Felt like the real you, the “you” you were trying to hide. Sick part is I’d rather have the hurt than nothing at all. I’d rather see you in my dreams and be hurt than not at all. It’s beginning to feel pathetic. Am I delusional? Past rehabilitation? What is life that I would pine over a man that hurt me so much my soul still feels the sting years later. 

I rewind love scenes to marinate on how it used to feel to be genuinely in love. Regardless of how the other felt, it’s been so long since I genuinely liked the person sitting across from me. It’s been even longer since the person sitting across from me liked me as much as I liked them. Venting, my safe space to share my emotions on love. The love lost is what hurts the most. It’s not just the heartbreak, it’s the time when I thought I had found it and turned out to be false. The truth can only stay hidden for so long and sometimes the truth is never hidden at all. I haven’t found the truth yet, just lies looking to be perceived as real. 

The realest love I have is with God and yet my broken mind will still look for a man to give something only God can. What is wrong in the mind? I missed you today. I missed the dream. I couldn’t marinate on it because it was too painful. I pushed it out of my mind, but the feelings sat on my shoulders like a mink shawl. Never spoken, my mind didn’t sit for too long. It was like smelling the burnt mess even after it had been removed from the house. I’ve committed too much energy to these emotions. I’d rather feel than suppress. I’d rather look at them head on then turn to porn to fill the void. 

I tried to cover every emotion of you but somehow I can’t seem to escape them. I ran, hid, tried to cover you in the midst of dating others. Nothing covered the thought of you. I wonder if you were ever supposed to be covered? God removed you and He won’t let you come back. God won’t let you back into my life, nor can I say what would make Him change the tides into allowing you back. But He will keep you away or allow you entry based on His power alone. I know whatever God chooses is correct. I wish it didn’t have to be this. The heartbreak caused in this break up was just as bad as the heartache I felt during my divorce years ago. 

No fantasy involved, this is real life. You couldn’t accept my past, nor could you accept who I am. I accepted all of you with open arms in the midst of fear. Anxious energy pinned underneath my skin, ravaged my bones, I could barely keep my mind from bouncing around. I wanted to be perfect for you, I didn’t realize I was being picked apart. I’m no victim. I did my share of horrible relationship things ten times over and believe karma has bit me in the butt more than I can count. Yet this was the first time where I had no hand to play in the demise. I understood why the past relationships ended, but this one leaves me completely flabbergasted. 

Either way…it has to be accepted right?