herlucidlife

It’s becoming increasingly harder to write about you. Increasingly more difficult to utter a thought. In bible study earlier today, something I read made me think about the heavenly role I play. It got me thinking if that role will include marriage. I got excited thinking about the heavenly husband and family I would steward. As the excitement quieted, I asked myself, “would I be joyful if I lived this earthly life without that marriage?” As I grow closer to God, talking about you seems more and more insignificant. Not because you as a person are insignificant but because you are insignificant to my life today. You served your purpose, now you’re gone. What more could there be ?

I keep trying to create more with these words, reading too much into dreams, keeping the emotions alive for no reason other than to torture myself. Trying to buy into the lie that we’ll hold space in each other’s lives down the line. The past and future are both figments of my imagination. I can twist and turn either into my own liking. The only thing I can not twist is the reality, the right here and now. You stopped being in my immediate reality a long time ago and for the first time in a while I can honestly say it feels like a lifetime ago. Sad thing is I remember what you look like. Funny thing about me, if I’m dating a man I will forget what his face looks like in a matter of days if I don’t see him very often. Seeing his face is like seeing it for the first time for the first few months. If we stop dating I eventually forget the guys face all together, especially if I don’t see them on social media. 

I still remember your face after two years. Some days I feel it fading into the void with all the other guys. Somehow like clockwork I have a dream with you, all the feelings and emotions rush back in. Eventually your face is made known to my mind all over again. I did better at blocking the emotions this time. I did better at not getting too deep into the irrational fantasy. Truth is I’m learning it’s okay to let you go. I’m seeing there’s nothing to hold onto. Even my imagination is becoming tired of the thought of you. It’s like rereading the same newspaper from twenty twenty-three, nothing new, just the same old things. I could say I’m throwing it away just to then pick it back up the next time my heart is yelling louder than my mind. 

Perhaps I’ll keep the emotions until they fade a little more on their own. They say time heals, I say it’s what you do with the time that creates healing. Healing is work, it’s an action based word meaning I have to give some kind of effort for it to take hold. Time does not give effort, it just is. The effort I give to letting you go is mind blowing but I will continue to give the effort because I know one day regardless of where I am, the thought of you will be nowhere in mind.