herlucidlife

I am a people pleasing manipulator who does nice acts of service out of self preservation. Work is teaching me to be honest without fear of others’ reaction. I hide my face from people out of fear. God brought to my attention wrong intentions that do not match actions are a sin. Hypocrisy and manipulation is a lie. One of the commandments is do not lie. It hurt hard. I used to serve all the time in the church, in my community, and with the NA group I attended. I was very dependable. Childhood, adolescence and young adulthood were all consumed with service, so much so that I would make myself feel bad for denying a service opportunity. 

Stretched thin, I was serving while I was hurting. I was helping when I couldn’t even scrap myself out of bed some mornings. Quiet in my own hell, how could I help someone out of their hell when I was trapped in mine. Volunteering gave me great joy, not because I was doing God’s work but because it felt good to receive recognition. It felt good having people say good things about me, personal satisfaction. Eventually it turned into an obligation instead of a willing and joyful choice. I kept going anyway because it was always something I’d done. I was not good at denying what felt like a responsibility. 

Uprootingmy life, putting everything on hold. Doing my best to continue serving with my NA homegroup at the time, eventually I could not hold up the weight. I have not served in a traditional sense in two years. Doing little acts of service when at NA events or with friends. I began noticing the reason I chose to serve. Before I was mindlessly serving and now I’m fully aware of the reason I say “yes.” Personal gain, protection, and security have in some part been a huge reason for why I accept opportunities. I’m not serving for the person but because I don’t want to seem like an insensitive person by saying “no.” I want the recognition that comes with being a helping hand, even if it’s a simple “thank you.” I date certain men because I know I’m going to receive attention. I do certain things because I want to solidify my security. 

On the outside it may seem as though I care about the other person when really I am so scared of not receiving what I think I need, I manipulate the situation. I always thought manipulation was outwardly bad but really it’s an action that does not match the motive. Hypocrisy. God stepped on all my lil ten toes. In these past two years, I’ve genuinely been asking “why do I help?” and “why do I choose to not help?” Being careful to not serve out of obligation or self seeking reasons, it has actually allowed me to be honest with myself. I needed to take time for me to heal roots so my actions could be genuine. I stumbled over myself, overthinking, every service opportunity became exhausting. To the point where I overthink simple things, like if I should give a homeless person money, or should I get a friend a little dessert treat I know she would like. 

Giving should be done with joy. Along the way I began doing it with anxiety in my heart. It was no longer genuine and eventually it was not glorifying God but me. I’m learning that serving comes in seasons and this is a season for me to heal and serve me in the proper way. When I do serve others I know it’s genuine because I’ve done the work to know my heart.